3 Ways to Develop a Healthy Relationship with Your Child

You have probably wondered at some point if you are a good enough parent. And the truth is, you will never have it 100% down. However, there are things you can do to develop a healthy relationship with your child. A healthy relationship with your child is crucial because it will enhance their chances of having a secure attachment style.

What is a Secure Attachment Style?

The Attachment Theory was developed by John Bowlby, who studied relationships between parents and children. You can learn more about Attachment Theory here.

Having a secure attachment style means that we don’t get anxiety about our relationships, but we don’t avoid them either. We feel safe exploring the world and being away from those we love for a time, but are happy to be reunited with them. We develop proper boundaries while maintaining close connections.

Is that something you want for your kids? Here are three ways that you can build a healthy relationship with your child and increase their chances of developing a secure attachment style. 

1. Be Responsive

Respond to your child’s pleas for help, attention, and love. These pleas look different from toddlers to teens, but all kids have their own ways of asking for attention and care.  

Babies

Babies typically cry when they need something. When you respond to those cries even if it takes a few guesses to understand what they need, then they learn that they can count on you to meet their needs. They may also ask for love by smiling at you or doing other cute things if they know that you will respond positively.

Toddlers

Toddlers may ask for attention and help by crying, verbally asking for something, by coming up to you and giving you a hug, etc. I try to respond quickly if my daughter gets hurt and starts crying. Young children often need help being soothed. When parents are there to help soothe them, they eventually gain the skills to self-soothe.

Ages 5-13

Elementary to middle school aged kids might ask for attention by coming to parents with questions and concerns. They may have had a bad day at school and need comfort, they may ask for help with homework, or they might say “I love you” on the way out the door to hear your affirmative response. 

Teenagers

Teenagers’ pleas for help, attention, and love tend to be more subtle. They sometimes don’t even know what they want, and therefore do things that don’t make sense to themselves or their parents. Your teen might sneak out of the house just to see if you noticed that they left. They might give you the silent treatment when they’re upset at you to find out if you’ll still love them. They will do a bunch of things that drive you crazy, yet they are subconsciously testing your love because they need to know that it will always be there.

Now I’m not saying to not administer appropriate consequences when necessary, but be sure that they know the motivation behind those consequences are your love and concern for them.

2. Be Accessible

Your child needs to know that you are there for them. Are they able to reach you when they are in need of help? Are you physically and emotionally nearby when they need you? Answering “yes” to these questions are a key part in developing a healthy relationship with your child.

When you and your child are separated and you predictably return, this also helps them know that you are accessible. While you may not be together for a short time, they find peace in knowing you will always return or always be waiting at home for them. This applies to children of all ages.

Young Children

When children are toddlers, they will often play and regularly come back to the parent just to make sure they are still there for them. My little girl will often wander around the kitchen and living room while I cook, and she will often come up to me randomly and hug my legs or show me a toy she found. This is her way of checking in to make sure I’m still accessible and attentive. 

Children who are a little older will exhibit similar behavior, always returning to their secure base (you) before going back to play or school. Your job is to reassure them that you are there and will be there when they come back to you again.

Tweens and Teens

Tweens and teens may exhibit similar behavior but in different ways. They might come home from school just to say hi and then let you know they are going out with friends or to work. This is their way of subconsciously making sure you are accessible to them.

3. Be Engaged

It is so important to be involved in your kid’s life! Know about their likes, dislikes, hobbies, friends, experiences outside the home, etc. This will help them feel closer to you and make your relationship with your child more secure.

Here are some things you can do to be more involved in your kid’s life. How you are involved will depend on the age of your kid, their personality, and what they are involved in.

1. Volunteer at your child’s school.
2. Ask your child how their day was, and don’t take “good” or “fine” for an answer. 
3. Have a conversation about something your child loves. Ask them questions about it, be curious, and refrain from judgment. You don’t have to like what your kid likes in order to get to know them.
4. Have spiritual conversations with your child. This will help them to discover what they believe to be true, and they will know that they can be open with you about their spirituality and come to you with questions. (Go here to learn more about balancing your religion with parenting and family life.)
5. Spend meaningful one-on-one time with your child. You can find ideas in the last half of this post.

If You Do Nothing Else, Love Them!

While we can’t be perfect parents, we can do our best to be responsive, accessible, and engaged! But even if these things are hard to focus on, them focus on just loving your child the way they need to be loved. Don’t ever withhold your love from them, even while giving them consequences. Make it clear that your love is something that will never go away. That will make the biggest difference in your child’s life!