How to Reignite the Spark in Your Marriage

Movies and romance novels make it seem like once we fall in love, it is “happily ever after”: no more stress, no more work, no more problems. Of course, if you are human you know this is 100% false! (The movie, Fireproof, is a good example of the real struggle that marriage is.)

Although you may love your spouse, years of being together may have forced you to realize that it is hard to stay floating on Cloud 9. You may also be wondering how to reignite the spark in your marriage that seems to have lost the fun and romance.

Why Your Relationship has Lost its Spark

If your relationship has lost its spark, then you may be feeling frustrated, disappointed, confused, or even regret. These are all normal and valid feelings to have.

However, this doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. And it doesn’t mean that you missed out on finding your soulmate either. (You can read more on the soulmate myth here.)

To answer the question: Your relationship has lost its spark because that is what happens in all long-term relationships, including marriage.

After going through the honeymoon phase and thinking you two are perfect for each other, there will come a time when you realize that you don’t fit together as well as you thought. You will have arguments you never thought you would have, think things about your spouse you didn’t know were possible, and you might even feel hopeless at times.

Remember that this is a normal part of growing a marriage. Just like planting a seed, the sapling will go through multiple storms before it becomes the majestic tree it is destined to be.

You might also like: The Second Stage of Love: How to Deal with Disagreements

7 Ways to Reignite the Spark in Your Marriage (and fall in love again)

As William Doherty says, a relationship is similar to rowing a canoe up a river. If your goal is to get upstream, you must constantly row. If either or both of you start to slack, the river will take you downstream where you do not want to be (a loveless or sparkless relationship).

So what can we do to keep our canoe of love rowing upstream and not get lost in the reality of life? I think the key is to have a selfless outward focus on your partner. Here are a few things that will help you discover how to have this kind of focus and learn how to reignite the spark in your marriage. 

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1. Live by the 5:1 ratio.

Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research that shows that the magic ratio for a stable relationship is 5:1. In other words, 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction.

Unfortunately, humans tend to remember negative situations better than positives, so this ratio is very important within a marriage. It will help you to enjoy being around your spouse more, help you be more confident in your relationship, and make it easier to love each other. 

Do you have more negative interactions than you would like? Add more positive interactions to reignite the spark in your relationship! These can be simple and don’t need to take a lot of time. Here are some ideas:

• Give genuine compliments.
• Find something dumb to laugh about together.
• Participate in an activity together instead of separately (eating dinner, going shopping, getting kids ready for bed, etc.)
• Share your dreams with each other.
• Let your partner know you are listening to them.
• Share what you love about your marriage.
• Express your gratitude to your spouse.
• Go on a five minute walk after the day is done just to talk.
• Call in the middle of the day just to say hi.

2. Assume your spouse has good intentions.

Your spouse has the potential to hurt you more than any other person because they know you so well. However, if they truly love you then that is not typically something they would do intentionally.

So when your spouse says something that seems rude or they don’t clean up after themselves, give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are tired or maybe they just weren’t thinking straight.

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and think, “What would Ihave to be feeling in order to say/do what they did?”

If their behavior worries you or is persistently upsetting to you, bring it up to them! Here’s some great tips for effectively communicating your feelings to your spouse.

(Caveat: Abuse should never be ignored or given the benefit of the doubt. If you are experiencing emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, or abuse of any kind, then seek outside help immediately from a hotline or therapist!)

3. Choose to notice the effort your spouse gives on a regular basis.

We tend to get into routines where we forget how much our spouse does, and things we used to appreciate become expectations or demands.  

If you notice this happening between you and your spouse, pay attention to the little tasks they do that make your life easier.

Watch them as they parent your children and focus on how they help your kids.

Notice what they have given up to be in a relationship with you.

Ask them about their day so you can openly appreciate all they do to better themselves, your life, and your kids’ lives.

I promise you will find it much easier to fall in love with your spouse again when you notice the effort they put in each day.

You might also like: How to Fix a Boring Marriage: The Third Stage of Love

4. Serve your spouse secretly!

This is one of my favorite ways to help you fall in love again. If you get super into it, it becomes an addictive game and will for sure reignite the spark in your relationship!

If you aren’t sure how to serve your spouse, first make a list of things they like or need on a regular basis. Some examples could be a homemade lunch to take to school or work, clothes washed and put away, a surprise candy bar they love, a massage, running an errand for them, etc. 

Next, choose one thing to do for them each day for any given amount of time. (A week, a month, etc.) And here’s the catch: don’t tell them what you are up to! Keep it as secretive as possible (without being weird, of course).

The goal is not to get your spouse to like you more but for you to love them more by serving them. They will probably notice some of the things you do for them and be very grateful, but remember attention is not the focus of this activity.

Remember what Jesus said:

“Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven… But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth… and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.”

Matthew 6:1, 3-4; 3 Nephi 13:1-4

5. Keep a journal for all the things you love about your spouse.

Set aside a special journal for this task, or you can just casually add things into your personal journal.

Write down one thing each day that you love about your spouse. It could be about their personality, good looks, sense of humor, or something nice they did that day.

I have learned that when I write down my thoughts, I am more likely to internalize and remember them. So writing all the positives about your spouse is a great way to reignite the spark in your marriage and help you fall in love again!

When you guys get in an argument, take a 5 minute time-out to write a couple sentences reminding yourself why you chose to marry them. This will keep your relationship in perspective and renew your love for your spouse. 

Keep this journal a secret until you grow old or until you give it to them for a birthday or Christmas present! Imagine how they will feel when they read the many reasons you love them. 

6. Pray for your spouse and pray to love them more. 

Jesus taught us:

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you…”

Matthew 5:44

While you may not consider your spouse to be our enemy, it can certainly feel like it at times when conflict is high and it is hard to come to an agreement. Remember especially in these moments to pray for your spouse.

Pray that your spouse will have their needs met and that you will love them more fully and more like Christ. I know this works from experience! God will expand and soften your heart if you ask Him and willingly let Him do so. 

There is no better way to reignite the spark of love in a marriage than by involving God and Jesus Christ in your relationship.

Anything I Missed? Let Me Know!

I hope these tips help you feel more love for your spouse and appreciate them more deeply!

Are there ways that have helped you reignite the spark in your marriage that should be added to this list? Share in the comments below or feel free to email me at nicole@familyrealityandjoy.com ! I love hearing from my readers and read every email and comment!

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