How to Have Teen-Centered Conversations that will Enhance Your Relationship

Have you ever had a teenager who asked a question, but no matter what you said they did not seem satisfied with your answer? Maybe they ended the conversation with a big sigh, by slamming a door, or by saying something like, “You just don’t understand.” Here’s some advice that can change the outcomes of these conversations and leave you and your teen feeling satisfied. This advice is to have teen-centered conversations.

One study done by BYU professors David Dollahite and Jennifer Thatcher in 2008 found that conversations between parents and adolescents were more emotionally positive for the adolescents when they were teen-centered, particularly regarding religious discussions. They found the key to having teen-centered conversations is not changing what you say to your teen or even how you say it; the key is aligning your focus to meet their needs.

Disclaimer: I get commissions for purchases made through links on this post at no additional cost to you.

Example of a Teen-Centered Conversation

For example, when your teenager asks why they must attend church, your response could be parent-centered or teen-centered:

Did you notice the difference in the responses?

In the first response, the parent was focused on what they wanted, which was to get the whole family to church on time.

In the second response, the parent was focused on valuing their teen’s agency and answering their question. While time was still an issue, the parent made it clear to their teenager that they wanted to have an open and honest conversation about the subject. They also did not try to manipulate their child into coming to church with them. Ultimately, the conversation was focused on what the teen needed.

4 Aspects of a Successful Teen-Centered Conversation

So how do you change your perspective from focusing on what you want to what your teenager needs? Here are a few things you can try.

1) Remember what it was like when you were a teenager.

What was it like when you were a teen? Were you a little rebellious? Did you have questions? Were you confused at how to navigate parts of life? 

Maybe sharing some of my personal teen experiences will spark memories of your own.

When I was turning 13, my family moved from California to Oregon. This was very hard for me for many reasons. First, I had just made some of my best friends in California and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Second, I was becoming a teenager and unsure about how I should act, who I should hang out with, what I should wear, etc. 

Before school started, I remember writing in my journal about all the frustrating feelings I had. I felt like I should talk to my mom about it, but I didn’t know if she would understand or what I should even say. 

I decided to open up to her about my insecurities and needs, and she understood much better than I anticipated. She read scripture verses to me which reminded me that the Lord knew my needs and would take care of me (Matthew 6:28-34). I don’t remember everything else she said. But I know that she validated my feelings, comforted me, and reassured me that God could help me. 

This may not be the response needed for every situation for your teen. However, the idea I’m trying to get across is that my mom focused on what I needed to hear versus what she wanted to tell me. 

As you reflect on your own teen experiences, think about what others said that helped you overcome challenges. Maybe your teenage kids would benefit from similar discussions.

2) Look at the situation from their perspective. 

If your teen complains about doing a chore you asked them to do, try seeing the task from their eyes. It may seem easy enough for you, but what do they have going on in their life that would make the chore difficult? Are they stressed with homework, friendships, or extracurricular activities? Are they worried about being good enough or pleasing others? 

While these variables may seem unrelated to doing chores, problems in a teen’s life can bleed into every other part of their life. So don’t just assume they are lazy or don’t care. Talk to them about what is really going on in their life and seek to understand. 

3) Be open to negotiations. 

Be flexible! Make sure your teen knows they can compromise with you when they think they are being expected to do unrealistic things. 

For example, maybe putting your teen in charge of taking the trash out is not a good idea because they get home late every night and are too tired to remember. Perhaps having them mow the lawn every Saturday would be better since they don’t have as much going on.

Discuss with your teenager what you expect from them but also listen to what they think is realistic. Together, you can come up with a plan that will benefit you and your teen! 

4) Focus more on the meaning behind their complaint than the complaint itself.

Remember that teens’ brains and bodies are going through dramatic changes. Sometimes they don’t even know why they say or feel certain things! So pay attention to what the meaning is behind their words. Use reflective listening and be compassionate.  

You Can Do it!

I wish you the best in the adventure of being a teen parent and having teen-centered conversations! Remember that no one knows your teenager better than God, so don’t forget to ask Him for help.

If you want some more valuable insights on how to talk with your teen, I recommend the book, How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk. It is very engaging and will help you see situations more from your teen’s perspective.

As I have not had personal experiences being a parent of a teenager, I would love to hear your experiences. Share in the comments below or shoot me an email!