If you are in a relationship that has been getting more serious, you might be considering what your next steps toward commitment will be. Maybe you have considered cohabiting (aka moving in together) or even thought about marriage. 

There can be a lot of excitement and anxiety around this stage of a relationship. You probably want to make a choice that will optimize your chances of having a long-lasting relationship, but at the same time you likely want to be sure that this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. 

Many couples who reach this stage in their relationship decide to move in together. After all, what better way to figure out if you are right for each other? It seems like a great way to see how compatible you are sexually, emotionally, financially, and otherwise; it will give you a chance to “test-drive” the relationship and see if you want to commit. 

While these are all valid reasons to move in together, research shows that this is not the best option if you want to have optimal outcomes for your relationship. 

In this blogpost, I’ll share with you what outcomes research has found regarding unmarried couples who move in together and the timing of when couples get sexually involved. I’ll also share my personal and educated thoughts on the research. If you wish to read the actual research for yourself, click on the links at the bottom of the page.

My hope is that this information will help you make the best decision for your romantic relationships. 

Note: I’ll refer to unmarried couples who choose to live together as “cohabiting” couples.

Communication

Research Says:

Compared with dating couples who didn’t live together, cohabiting couples had more negative communication¹. On the other hand, couples who chose to wait longer to get sexually involved had better relationship communication².

Nicole’s Thoughts:

One reason that communication seems to get worse when couples move in together is because they have more things to fight about. They now have to deal with chores, finances, each other’s weird habits, etc. That can be a lot for a couple to take in who don’t have the commitment of marriage under their belt. 

Yes, these issues will still exist in marriage. But if you know you’re in it for the long run, then you will have a better chance of getting through those issues. Otherwise, the normal conflicts that enter relationships may break you two apart. (Go here to learn more about resolving conflict without starting a fight.)

Sexual Quality

Research Says:

 In the beginning of cohabiting relationships, the amount of sex that couples has generally increases¹. This makes sense since the couple is now together a lot more. However, the frequency of sex generally decreases over time, just as it does in marriages. Compared to dating relationships, the quality of sex in cohabiting couples was lower².

Nicole’s Thoughts:

The reason for lower sexual quality in cohabiting relationships is likely lack of commitment. Couples generally cohabit because they want to test out the relationship and make sure that it is what they want to do. While this does sound like a good idea, it implies that there is a lack of trust in the relationship. Since they are just “testing the waters,” there is a higher chance of cheating or ending the relationship altogether. 

When there is a lack of trust, it is very hard to have a completely fulfilling and bonding sexual relationship. Sex is not just a physical experience, but an emotional and spiritual experience as well. The stronger your emotional connection, the stronger the physical connection will be.

Relationship Satisfaction

Research Says:

Cohabiting couples had lower relationship satisfaction than non-cohabiting couples¹. Likewise, those who chose to have sex sooner in their relationship had lower relationship satisfaction than those who waited longer².

Nicole’s Thoughts:

I think this goes back to the concept of deciding instead of sliding. When a couple gets physically involved faster than connecting emotionally and spiritually, it can confuse their brains. 

When people have sex, their bodies produce oxytocin (aka the love hormone). This hormone is meant to bond two people together emotionally and make them want to be together. This is a great thing that our bodies do for us and is meant to help us build stable and long-term relationships. However, it can be dangerous when we don’t know the person we are connecting with so deeply. 

When people are bonded together that are not in a fully committed relationship, it can lead them to feel anxious about the relationship and develop unhealthy attachment styles. (Check out this post to learn more about attachment styles and what attachment style you have.)

Relationship Stability and Commitment 

Research Says:

Couples who choose to cohabit have higher commitment levels than other dating couples¹. However, that commitment was shown to decrease over time, even though constraints to stay together increased¹. Studies also show that when couples waited longer to have sex, they felt more stable in their relationship when they were married².

Nicole’s Thoughts:

When a couple chooses to live together, they are making it more difficult for them to end the relationship. This could be a positive or negative thing. It is positive if the couple wants the relationship to last long. However, it is negative if they find out that their partner is abusive or not who they ultimately thought they were. 

Even if the couple is a good match, they often will delay marriage longer than if they had not moved in together. There are many reasons that they choose this. They may be tight on finances and want to save for a big wedding, they may feel content with their relationship and feel that marriage is not necessary, or they may like the freedom of not being legally tied to their partner. 

If there are obvious red flags discovered while the couple is living together, then that does not mean that they will separate. Since moving in together involves sharing physical space, finances, chores, etc., it can be hard to terminate the relationship. I believe this is why many couples end up sliding into long-term relationships instead of making a conscious and intentional decision.  

Physical Aggression

Research Says:

There is more physical aggression in cohabiting relationships than in dating relationships where the couples were not living together¹.

Nicole’s Thoughts:

If couples are living together, there will be more conflict that comes up. This could either lead to productive conflict resolution or contentious fighting. In the case of fighting, there are greater chances of physical aggression coming through. Simply stated, there are many sides of a person you see when you live with them than when you were only dating. 

It’s important to note that this study did not compare these outcomes with couples who are married. Therefore, I recommend looking at other studies to see if marriage makes a difference in levels of physical aggression. 

I personally believe that there would be less physical aggression in marriages if the couple took time to learn about each other and intentionally prepared for marriage. You need to learn a lot about a person to know that you can trust them not to hurt you.

To Conclude…

Making an informed decision about the next steps of your relationship is so important! When we let our heart make all the decisions without including our mind, we take a lot of risks. So use that love you have for your partner to motivate you to make the decisions that will optimize your relationship!

Want to learn more from the experts on how to have a healthy romantic relationship? Check out these books!

Got questions? Email me at nicole@familyrealityandjoy.com or message me on social media.

References

1. The Impact of the Transition to Cohabitation on Relationship Functioning: Cross-Sectional and Longitudinal Findings, by Rhoades, Stanley, and Markman
2. Compatibility or Restraint? The Effects of Sexual Timing on Marriage Relationships, by Busby, Carroll, and Willoughby