Change Your Perspective from Finding to Becoming a Soulmate

Have you ever wondered if you will ever find your soulmate? Or maybe you feel like you  already have found your soulmate.

What really is the meaning of the word, “soulmate”? Many people associate it with destiny, fate, or claiming the relationship was “meant to be”. When someone claims to have found their soulmate, it is usually because they have a lot in common with them and they seem to fit perfectly together. It’s almost as if their souls were a match made in heaven, bound to fall in love while on earth.

Let Go of the Soulmate Myth

Although the idea of finding your soulmate may sound romantic and exciting, I am here to say that it may not be the best approach to starting or growing a relationship. 

This idea may seem strange, but think about it! If you believe that destiny has chosen your significant other because they match you perfectly, then you will expect them to be almost just like you. You should have the same opinions, the same hobbies, and the same life goals. 

However, you will NEVER find anyone in this world who is exactly like you. Even twins disagree and have different preferences, and they were raised by the same parents at the same time!

Risks of the Soulmate Myth

When two people believe they are soulmates and that destiny brought them together, there are a few risks they are taking if they continue to rely on that belief (you can also learn more about risks of the soulmate myth here):

1. Panic may set it in when they discover their partner is not perfect or exactly as they envisioned. 

2. They may not leave as much room for growth within themselves.

If they believe they are a perfect match for their partner, they might think they don’t need to change or improve. They may even believe that changing or improving themselves could make their relationship less perfect of a match.

3. They may consider conflict as a sign that they are not each other’s soulmates after all.

4. They may feel the need to abandon the relationship to seek out their “real” soulmate when they discover that they haven’t found their soulmate.

5. They may be under the false impression that their chemistry should always be perfect and magical.

This is dangerous because couples may become discouraged when kissing doesn’t always feel magical and sex isn’t immediately smooth and flawless. However, physical intimacy takes time and practice for every couple, regardless of how much you have in common. Therefore, couples who believe the soulmate myth risk disappointment, frustration, and an unwillingness to talk about their physical intimacy.

6. They may assume thy know each other so well that they don’t need to communicate their needs and desires.

I’m sure we all have at some point expected our spouse or a loved one to just know what we want. However, it takes time and communication to truly understand each other’s needs and desires! I don’t think you can ever stop learning about each other’s needs and desires, especially since they will most likely change over time.

Note: Some couples believe that it was God who guided them to be together. And I’m not saying that this is not the case! I certainly believe that God guided me to my husband, Chase. However, the risk comes when we think that because God guided us together, we are already perfect for each other and don’t need to change. Try changing your mindset to: “I am so grateful God led us to each other, and I’m going to work my whole life to make our marriage work and become your perfect match.” 

Becoming Each Other’s Soulmates

The alternative to finding your soulmate is becoming each other’s soulmates. This is the idea that instead of destiny choosing your perfect match, you are the one to choose who to love and spend the rest of your life with. You know that marriage will be challenging at times, but you choose to stay with your spouse because you know you can make it work. 

Instead of believing that you are two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together from the start, you think of your relationship as clay being molded together to become something beautiful. 

How to Become Each Other’s Soulmates

So how do you become each other’s soulmates? Here are a few steps that I invite you to try!

1. Don’t assume your spouse can read your mind.

No matter how in sync you guys may be, your spouse does not know what you’re thinking. Just because you make wordless signals to them about your needs doesn’t mean they will pick up on them. You need to tell them directly and clearly what your needs and desires are.

I’ve learned how important this is in my marriage. For a while, I just assumed Chase would know what I would want as a Christmas or birthday gift. However, he didn’t realize how much I missed getting cards from him until I told him. Now he sometimes makes a little more effort to write me a card because he knows how much I love them.

Basically, don’t have unrealistic expectations! (You can learn how to get rid of unrealistic expectations here.)

2. Talk about your physical intimacy.

Make sure you understand each other’s needs and desires, and work to fulfill each other’s needs. One spouse will usually want physical touch and sex more often than the other spouse, and that is totally normal! If you both have the same desire most of the time, then you are a very unusual couple. I understand it may be frustrating to navigate these differences, but think of it as an opportunity to communicate with your spouse and become closer to them.

If you need some advice on how to navigate this issue, here are some resources that have helped me and I hope will help you:

• Ask an LDS Marriage & Sexuality Therapist: I suggest joining this facebook group hosted by Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, a marriage and sexuality therapist. She has some excellent insights on how to enhance your sexual relationship with your spouse. It is also a safe place to ask questions and get answers from people with a variety of experiences in marriage.

• Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: You can also check out this book and read it with your spouse! I’ve been reading this book for one of my classes at BYU and it is amazing! There is so much I am learning about the beauty and power of sex and how to have a more fulfilling sexual relationship with my spouse. It also dives into the details of physical anatomy and how the brain and our emotions have a big influence on our sexual experience. (You can find the Kindle edition here.)

• And They Were Not Ashamed: This is another great book that me and my husband own. We have read parts of it together before and after we were married. It really helped us to better understand our bodies and how to not be embarrassed or ashamed of our bodies and our God-given sexual desires. It particularly emphasizes the woman’s experience and how to best have her needs be met.

3. Find ways to rekindle the spark that you felt when you started dating.

It can be disappointing when you get to the point where you love your spouse but don’t feel in love with them. However, you can always bring back that “in love” feeling with a little bit of effort! If you want to have romantic feelings, do romantic things! Help your spouse feel special, do things for them you know they would love, remember why you married them, and you will most likely welcome those romantic feelings back into your life!

Need ideas? Check out “6 Ways to Fall in Love Again with Your Partner.”

Don’t Be Disappointed…

Now you may be feeling disappointed that you need to let go of the romantic feeling of being your significant other’s “perfect match.” While it is okay to feel this way, I believe that it is even more romantic to think that my spouse chose to be with me, continues to choose to be with me, and chooses to be the man I need him to be. I love knowing that despite all the other options we had, we chose each other and we are choosing to be more fit for each other as each year passes.

Share what you think about this post in the comments below or on my Facebook Page! I’d love to hear your thoughts, what you agree and disagree on, and what has helped your relationship to prosper.

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