What Newlyweds Should Know About the First Five Years of Marriage
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After my husband, Chase, and I got married, I thought we had the whole marriage thing down.
I thought it was crazy that married couples fought over the smallest things, such as how to split the household chores. We laughed at each other’s mistakes and quickly forgave each other, and we got to spend a ton of time together.
I wondered why some people thought that marriage was so hard.
Then something changed. I realized that marriage is indeed hard. My husband isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I get frustrated over the balance of household chores, and sometimes it’s hard to forgive.
What happened? As unpleasant as it may be to hear, many couples learn within the first five years of marriage that it isn’t as easy as they thought it would be.
Chase and I recently celebrated our fourth year of marriage. So I want to share with you what we wish we would have really known about the first five years of marriage when we were newlyweds.
8 Things to Know About the First Five Years of Marriage
1) The honeymoon phase is real.
After you get married, there will probably be some time where everything seems amazing and it’s easy to overlook your spouse’s faults. The relationship is new and exciting, and it is easy to enjoy each other. This is known as the “honeymoon phase.”
The honeymoon phase can last a few months or several years, depending on the couple. I was in denial about me and my husband being in the honeymoon phase when we were first married; I thought we just had an awesome marriage.
While your relationship probably is awesome, it’s good to acknowledge that this is a phase and it won’t feel like this forever.
Did you know that the honeymoon phase is a necessary way to start a relationship? It may seem pointless if it’s bound to end, but it’s actually a healthy way to start out!
You might also like: The First Stage of Love: What it is and Why It’s Necessary
2) The honeymoon phase ends.
This is one of the most important newlywed tips: know that the honeymoon phase will end, and that’s not bad a thing.
Even though it is fun, the honeymoon phase does and will end, usually before the first five years of marriage is up. It’s normal to feel disappointment and sadness when this happens.
As the honeymoon phase ends, it’s normal to start to see all the things your spouse does “wrong” and you may even forget what they are doing “right”. It may feel like you don’t know who your spouse is anymore. You may argue a lot more than you used to and not be as excited to spend time together.
This is called the adversarial stage. And believe it or not, this stage is also a necessary part of a healthy relationship.
I have found myself in this stage of our relationship and it isn’t very fun. However, it has given my husband and I the opportunity to understand each other on a deeper level and learn how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way.
So don’t feel hopeless when you reach this stage of your relationship! Remember that it is normal and it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.
You might also like: The Second Stage of Love: How to Deal with Disagreements
3) Kids change things.
If you decide to have kids (whether it is before or after the first five years of marriage) you will discover a whole new depth to your relationship, both positive and negative.
After we had our first baby, I fell even more deeply in love with my husband. It was so magical and beautiful to see him become a father and care so deeply for our little girl.
After we had our second baby, I thought the same magical experience would happen. But it wasn’t exactly the same. We had done this before, and so it wasn’t as new to us. We also had a toddler in addition to a baby that we needed to care for, which meant more stress and sleep deprivation.
There have been magical moments, but not in the way I expected.
There have been hard moments where we are both tired and both children need attention. We have had to work harder to plan date nights and make time to work on our relationship.
With lack of sleep, taking care of two little girls, trying to manage a home, and working to keep us all alive and happy, it does take extra effort to keep our relationship healthy and happy. However, the work we do put into our marriage is that much more valuable.
If you need a pick-me-up in your marriage after having a baby, then I highly recommend this book!
4) Marriage takes work (even in the first five years).
I knew marriage was going to take work before I got married. But our honeymoon phase was so happy and magical that I was oblivious as to how much work it would take just in the first five years of marriage.
William Doherty compares marriage to canoeing upstream in a river. Your marriage is the canoe, and you and your spouse are the ones paddling. If you stop paddling, or aren’t paddling hard enough, you automatically start to go downstream where you don’t want to go. Likewise, if you quit putting effort into your marriage, it will start to fall apart.
If you are wondering what basic things you can do to keep your marriage alive and happy, then check out these 6 things.
5) Love in marriage is more than a feeling.
We use the phrases “falling in” and “falling out” of love in our modern culture. These phrases sound like love is something that happens to you rather than you choosing it.
It can especially feel this way when we first find the person we want to marry. It is so easy to love them and we want to spend every moment together. It feels effortless and like Cupid’s arrow is controlling our actions.
However, the honeymoon phase will wear off, and you will need to choose to love your spouse. Even when they say stupid things, even when they don’t agree with you, even when they forget to do their load of house chores, and even when you don’t know if they are the same person you married. You will need to decide whether you still love them.
Love is a choice, not a feeling.
And how do you choose to love your spouse? Here are a few examples.
How to choose to love your spouse:
- Forgive them
- Tell them how you appreciate them
- Spend time with them when you could be doing something else
- Listen to them
- Say “I love you”
- Remember what they asked you to do and do it
- Remember and talk about memories from when you were dating or engaged
- Say sorry for things you did wrong
- Celebrate special days together (anniversary, Valentine’s Day, birthdays, etc.)
- Give them spontaneous love notes or gifts
- Text or call in the middle of the day just to say hi
The more you make choices like these to love your spouse, especially in the first five years of marriage, the stronger your marriage and love for each other will be.
Want to know how to fall in love with your spouse again? Check out these six tips or the books below.
6) ALWAYS respect your spouse.
Something that you MUST always maintain, especially in the first five years of marriage, is respect for your spouse. There will be times that it is hard to love them, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to belittle, criticize, or complain about them.
In order to maintain respect in your marriage, you need to avoid contempt and try to see things from their point of view. Remember that they are human and have deep feelings, just like you. They need validation, just like you.
It is also important to be patient with your spouse and yourself. If they aren’t doing what you want them to do at the moment, give them grace. You aren’t perfect, and neither is your spouse. So be patient with them in the way that you would want them to be patient with you.
7) Effective communication takes practice and time.
This is important for every couple to know, whether newlywed or “oldly-wed”. Once you think you know how to communicate, something will come up that proves you wrong.
Effective communication with your spouse takes a lifetime of practice, so don’t be discouraged when you or your spouse mess up.
Just acknowledge that you are both still learning, and keep on trying.
You might also like: How to Effectively Communicate Your Feelings
8) Sometimes you’ll need to take it one day at a time.
This is a newlywed tip from my husband for the first five years of marriage.
There will be moments when you feel discouraged and you aren’t sure how you will get through it. You may be struggling to forget the past or worried how the future will play out.
In moments like these, just take it one day at a time. Don’t dwell on past mistakes or arguments, and don’t worry about the future. You can only control what you do in the present, so focus on that.
You Can Do It!
I know that the first five years of marriage can be the hardest for some couples. However, they can still be fun and full of wonderful memories.
The first five years of marriage are a time for you to discover your identity as a couple and how you can make the world a better place together.
So don’t give up just because it is hard. Working for a happy marriage can bring you more joy than anything else!
We just celebrated our 34th Anniversary! These items are still applicable to us today. Thanks for the reminder and the shot in the arm to do better.
I really enjoy your articles. They are full of practical, useful information put in an understandable way!