How to Make Forgiveness in Marriage Easier for Christian Couples

Audio Recording:

How Important is Forgiveness in a Marriage?

The importance of forgiveness in marriage cannot be underestimated. 

“Recent studies have shown that forgiveness is an essential component of successful romantic relationships. In fact, the capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of the most significant factors contributing to marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love.”

gottman.com

If a couple is unable to let go of mistakes (whether big or small) made by their partner, then their marriage doesn’t have a high chance of survival. 

On the other hand, those who regularly forgive are more likely to experience a lasting and happy marriage.

What Does Forgiveness in a Christian Marriage Look Like? 

Forgiveness in marriage is the act of pardoning your spouse for something that they have done wrong. Meaning, you don’t hold it over their head in the future, you don’t bring the mistake up in conversation, and you don’t let their mistake decrease the love you have for them.

In short, forgiveness is acting as if the mistake never happened.  

In a Christian marriage, forgiveness is made easier when relying on Jesus Christ for help. He is the ultimate example of forgiveness, and He knows how to give you the strength and wisdom to forgive your spouse. 

Caveat:

Don’t think that forgiving your spouse means you should ignore conflict. You still need to talk about things that are bothering you and work it out. 

And if there are bigger issues such as cheating, lying, etc., then it may take longer to forgive and that is okay. The issue may also require outside help, such as therapy. 

What Did Jesus Say About Forgiveness in Marriage?

Forgiveness is a Daily Thing in Marriage

You may be familiar with the council Jesus gave to Peter about forgiveness: 

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Matthew 18:21-22

From Jesus, we learn that you can never forgive too many times. It is not up to us to choose when and when not to forgive. That is up to God.

Many people think that forgiveness in marriage is something that only comes up when one spouse has done something severely wrong, such as having an affair or lying about something serious. 

You may be surprised to hear that forgiveness in marriage is often something that needs to happen weekly or even daily. 

Why must forgiveness happen so often?

Forgiveness needs to happen often because we are human, and we make mistakes every day. If you don’t forgive your spouse for the little stupid things they do regularly, marriage is going to be very rough for you.

You may need to forgive a forgotten promise, neglected chores, words spoken a little too harshly, or misunderstandings. Forgiveness in marriage needs to happen as frequently as mistakes. 

You Need to Forgive Your Spouse as God Has Forgiven You

Jesus told Peter a parable about forgiveness in Matthew 18:23-35. Here’s a summary: 

There was a man who had a huge debt of money and was unable to pay it back. His master chose to forgive him and let him go without the debt being paid. 

Even though the man had been forgiven of a large debt, he was unmerciful to another who owed him a small amount of money. When his master found out, the man was punished for his unwillingness to forgive. 

Just like the unmerciful man, God has forgiven us many times for our mistakes. And just like the man, choosing to not forgive will only hurt us.

How to Make Forgiveness in Marriage Easier

Forgiveness is often difficult, and so I want to share with you some tools you can use to make forgiveness in marriage easier for you. 

1. Pray together. 

Including God in your marital struggles through prayer will give you more strength to overcome challenges in your marriage. Pray together that you will be able to resolve conflict and forgive each other. 

Praying for each other out loud can also help ease tension and help you to forgive each other. It can remind you that your love and your dedication to God is stronger than the problem you are facing.

2. Pray individually. 

God is your best friend and understands better than anyone. So talk to Him about everything your spouse has done that is bothering you. 

Tell Him exactly how you feel and what your concerns are. Tell Him how hard it is to forgive your spouse. 

Your Father in Heaven is the One you can trust the most with your feelings. He won’t judge you or criticize you for your sincere feelings. 

Ask Him for whatever it is you need to be able to forgive, whether that be peace, humility, compassion, sympathy for your spouse, etc. 

It is also helpful to ask God to remind you about your spouse’s positive qualities. You can also ask Him how He feels about your spouse. I have done this, and it makes a huge difference in helping me to forgive my husband and love him more.

3. Attend Church services while holding hands.

Church is a great place to go for you Christians  who need help forgiving your spouse. Even the act of attending Church can invite Christ into your life to help you find forgiveness in  marriage.

Holding hands will help you guys remember that you are a team, even if you are struggling to get over hurt feelings.  

Remember to avoid any temptation to elbow your spouse when the speaker says something you think they need to hear. (This is another good reason to hold hands.) Chances are, you need to hear the message too!

4. Turn to the scriptures for help.

Separately, study scripture verses on forgiveness or verses relating to the conflict you are having. Studying individually can give you the space and peace to learn what God wants you to learn. 

After you have studied the verses individually, come back together and discuss what you learned that you feel comfortable sharing. Don’t share anything that gives off a self-righteous, judgmental, or “I am better than you” vibe. 

5. Journal your feelings.

First, write down exactly what you are feeling and why. Get all the negative energy out on the paper so it doesn’t all come out onto your spouse. When you are done, you can either throw away what you wrote or hide it somewhere. Just don’t share it with your spouse unless you think it will actually help.

Next, write down why you married your spouse and all the good you know is in them. This can help you relax and make it easier to forgive your spouse.

6. Follow Jesus’ example of forgiveness.

A little while ago I was feeling frustrated with something my husband was doing. It wasn’t hugely significant, and he didn’t even know he was doing anything to bother me.

I prayed to have more compassion and love for my husband. As I was praying, the Holy Ghost brought to my memory what Jesus said right before He died: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

This reminded me of a few important things:

• Just like the people who killed Jesus didn’t know they were killing the Messiah, my husband didn’t know his actions were bothering me. If he did, he would have stopped or talked about it. 
• Unlike the people who killed Jesus, my husband would never intentionally hurt me. 
• If Jesus could forgive people who intentionally hurt and killed Him, I could forgive my wonderful husband who makes mistakes but who would never try to hurt me.
  

I chose to forgive my husband, and now I don’t even remember exactly what it was he did that was bothering me. 

So if you ever struggle to forgive, remember that Jesus, who was the only perfect Person on the Earth, chose to forgive the people who tortured and killed Him.

If Jesus could forgive His killers, then you can forgive your spouse.

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