The Fourth Stage of Love: Happily Ever After in Marriage

What is the 4th Stage of Love?

The fourth stage of love is the place where all of us want to end up in marriage – happily ever after.  It is the most fulfilling and joyful stage of marriage. It happens after a marriage goes through the first three stages of love: falling in love (stage 1), handling conflict (stage 2), and dealing with marital boredom/neglect (stage 3). 

If you haven’t read about the first three stages of love, I recommend you do that first since it will help you understand what it takes to get to the final stage. You can start with stage 1 here.

(Note: The fourth stage love discussed here is based on the article, Season’s of Intimacy: Lifespan Developmental Perspective by  Mark Butler. You can see the full reference at the end of the post.) 

What is happily ever after in a relationship?

Happily ever after in a romantic relationship does not happen right away. After getting to know each other, spending time together, arguing, laughing, making memories, going through challenges, and recognizing each other’s strengths and weaknesses, you finally reach a point where you are deeply in love with, accepting of, and aware of each other.

That is happily ever after.

What does happily ever after look like? 

Happily ever after is when each spouse cares so deeply for the other and a stronger, more meaningful bond is made. They genuinely want the best for each other and desire to serve each other without looking for a reward. Each spouse is happy to sacrifice for the other’s happiness and well-being, and they understand each other better than they ever have before.

The love within the marriage is unconditional and an example of pure Christlike love. This typically leads to the relationship’s highest point in stability, commitment, and satisfaction.

Is happily ever after realistic? 

For short-term relationships, happily ever after is not realistic. For a long-term marriage relationship that lasts for years, happily ever after is completely realistic! 

8 Things You Need to Know About Happily Ever After

There are a few important things you need to know about reaching happily ever after in marriage. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen without effort. 

1. It takes time to grow a happy marriage.

Even though you may be head-over-heels for each other in the first stage of love, that stage does not last forever. You eventually must learn about your spouse’s quirks, flaws, annoyances, and differing opinions. 

In order to reach happily ever after, you must learn how to deal with disagreements and accept your spouse for who they are without trying to change them. This takes time, usually years or even decades of work. You cannot skip all the other stages of love to be in the happily ever after stage.

2. Happily ever after doesn’t just happen after a number of years. 

Even if you wait until you are 100 years old, your relationship will not automatically reach happily ever after. Both of you must put in the effort to get there.

This effort includes (but is not limited to) setting aside regular time to spend together, choosing to love your spouse when it’s hard, putting their best interests at heart, learning about their dreams, helping them achieve their goals, and learning to communicate effectively. 

3. Happily ever after does not mean conflict has ended.

Even when you are in this blissful stage, you still disagree and have differing opinions. But the disagreements are different because you both know how to handle them in an effective way without hurting each other. You have become so in tune with each other’s needs and how your relationship works that dealing with conflict (for the most part) is not a huge burden.

4. Aspects of your relationship may reach happily ever after before others.

There are aspects of relationships that couples may be really good at really fast, and others that they need more time to work on.

For example, my husband and I are really good at communicating. I would say that our communication skills will probably reach the happily ever after stage before our parenting skills will. And it’s not that we are bad parents, we just haven’t had enough parenting experience to be in that stage yet. Since we have only one child and she is a toddler, I would say our parenting-together skills are still in stage one. 

5. Reaching happily ever after isn’t easy.

This may go without saying, but some people need a reminder that it most certainly is not easy to reach happily ever after! There will likely be a lot of tears, arguments, heartache, challenges, self-improvement, and frustrations experienced before you get get to happily ever after. 

But don’t let this lead you away from the course you are on! All good things in life that are worthwhile take dedicated effort and constant re-commitment. The more effort you put into marriage, the happier you will be in the end. 

6. It’s the little things that count.

While surprising your spouse with the vacation of their dreams or that very expensive gift for Christmas may be romantic, it is not enough to keep your relationship going. Happy marriages are built on daily and weekly habits. If you neglect those critical habits, then your marriage will be neglected as well. Some habits that are crucial for having a happy marriage are:

• Date nights
• Time spent talking together each day
• Meaningful hellos and good-byes
• Being a good listener
• Telling and showing your spouse you love them 
• Couple councils
• Seeking to serve your spouse in small ways

7. Ask God for help!

Remember that you can ask God for help. He is the one who created marriage in the first place, so reach out to Him for strength and understanding. 

I have often asked God to help me see my husband as He sees him. These were special experiences where God helped me to see past my husband’s flaws and instead see him for the wonderful man he is becoming. This practice always puts me at peace and increases my love and gratitude for my husband.

8. Keep being friends.

While you are lovers, business partners, and co-parents, don’t forget to keep being friends. Dr. John Gottman says in one of my favorite books:

Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.

The seven principles for making marriage work by DR. JOHN GOTTMAN

Conclusion

To sum it up, you can reach the happily ever after stage in your marriage. You just need to know that it will take time, hard work, and a willingness to persevere when life is hard. You got this, and it is worth it!

Reference:

1. Butler, Mark H. (2005). Seasons of intimacy: Lifespan developmental perspective. In T. B. Duncan (Comp.), Gospel perspective for family theories: Discerning between truth and error (pp. 133-144). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Academic Press.