How to Be a Calm Parent When Your Kids are Driving You Crazy
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Learning how to be a calm parent can be one of the biggest challenges of adult life. It takes plenty of highly developed parent skills to stay calm when your kids are driving you crazy, no matter what age they are.
I’m here to provide you with a few tips that will help you to be a calmer parent in those stressful moments. It may not come naturally at first, but it will get easier the more you practice these techniques to stay calm. Plus, you will have a happier and healthier relationship with your child!
(Go here to learn more about how to develop a healthy relationship with your child.)
Why Do I Get So Stressed With My Kids?
It is easy to become stressed when somebody does something we don’t like that is out of our control. When you have a kid, then that happens nearly every day (if not multiple times a day). No wonder parenting is so stressful!
So give yourself some slack if you feel terrible for not knowing how to be a calm parent. Parenting is not for the faint of heart and requires more patience, love, determination, and resilience than we are born with.
5 Tips on How to Be a Calm Parent
1. Love your child unconditionally
You probably love your child immensely, and you likely know this love doesn’t change when they are misbehaving. However, it can be difficult for your child to know whether your love is unconditional because (surprise!) they can’t read your mind.
Alfie Kohn, an author of some excellent parenting books, said:
“Children don’t just need to be loved; they need to know that nothing they do will change the fact that they’re loved.”
The Myth of the Spoiled Child, by Alfie Kohn
It is crucial for our children to know that we love them, even when they mess up. And yes, it is totally possible to show love while disciplining a child. If you’d like to learn about how to do that, Alfie Kohn will teach you in his amazing book, Unconditional Parenting (shown below with some of his other books).
2. Take a timeout
Timeouts aren’t only a useful discipline tool, but they are a great way to help you be a calm parent when your kids are driving you crazy. If you feel yourself about to explode and need some calm down tips, then take a timeout by following these steps:
- Tell your child you need to take a break before you continue the discussion. Let them know how long you will be gone (I recommend 5-10 minutes) and that you will be back after your break to talk about how things are going. Make sure your child’s environment is able to help them calm down during this time as well.
- Begin your timeout by taking some deep breaths to empty your mind and get your heart rate back to normal. When your heart rate is high, you tend to go into fight-or-flight mode and are not able to use logic to make decisions. Taking deep breaths will help you think clearly and rationally.
- Think about something else for 3-5 minutes. Watch a funny video, meditate, lay on your bed and just focus on your breath, etc.
- Before returning to your child, remember that this isn’t about you. It’s about helping your child learn, grow, and feel loved. Choose a positive thought to focus on as you walk back to your child.
3. Try to see the situation through your child’s eyes
Again, you need to remember that this isn’t about how your child made you feel frustrated. It is about learning why your child chose to do what they did and helping them understand why they should have acted differently.
If you can, ask your child why they did what they did and what they were thinking when they decided to do it. Remember to ask this in a curious, non-condescending tone. Listen to what they have to say and validate their feelings. It will not be easy to teach them what is right if they don’t first feel heard.
Once you understand their point of view on the situation (and they know you understand), then ask them why they think what they did was wrong and what they could have done instead. They are more likely to remember what you taught them if they do more talking and are not lectured.
If your child is younger than age 3, they have not developed impulse control. They might know something is wrong, but they choose to do it anyway because they had the idea to do it and don’t know how to stop themselves. This is very common toddler behavior. Even after they have developed some self-control, they will likely still need help controlling their impulses.
4. Respond, don’t react
Our instinctive reactions to misbehaviors are often not positive or effective. These reactions can include yelling, saying regretful things, or hitting our kids. If we are to help our children improve their behavior and learn from mistakes, then we need to intentionally respond instead of react.
(You can learn more about how to improve your child’s behavior here.)
Steps to respond intentionally instead of react irrationally:
- Take a timeout if needed (as mentioned above).
- Once you know you are thinking clearly, acknowledge the issue in an appropriate, matter-of-fact way.
- Listen to your child’s reasoning and acknowledge their feelings.
- Remind the child what you asked them to do and help them understand why you asked them to do it.
- Figure out how the issue will be resolved, or the appropriate consequence that will teach them the lesson they need to learn.
Example #1:
Situation: Your toddler climbs up on the counter after you told them not to and knocks a pitcher of juice on the ground, which spills everywhere.
Instinctive reaction: *Parent angrily grabs kid and puts them on the floor.*
“I just told you to not get up there, and now look at what you’ve done!”
Intentional response: *Parent calmly picks up kid and puts them on the ground*
“Uh oh! It spilled. I know you like being on the counter, but when we push things off the counter, they fall and make a mess. I asked you to stay off the counter so that you don’t fall and get hurt. Let’s clean up the mess together.”
Example #2:
Situation: Your teenager comes home an hour later than you asked them to. As a result, you have stayed up late and are very tired.
Instinctive reaction: “You are so careless! Now I’m going to be tired all day tomorrow because of you. You are grounded from going out with friends for a month. Now get to bed!”
Intentional response: “It looks like you are home an hour after I asked you to be home. Could you tell me what happened?”
*Parent listens to teenager’s response, then validates their feelings.*
“I asked you to be home an hour earlier so that you and I could both get to bed at a decent time. I also wanted you to be safe while at the same time letting you have some fun. When you came home late, it made it so that I will have an hour less of sleep and I wasn’t sure that you were safe. That made me feel anxious. What consequence do you think would be appropriate for this situation?”
*Both decide on an appropriate consequence.*
5. Teach by example
Your child will often learn more from watching you than from listening to you. Ask yourself how you want your child to respond in stressful or disappointing situations. Then think about whether you respond in the way you would want your child to respond.
If you yell at your child and criticize them when they do something wrong, then you are teaching them that they should yell and criticize when things don’t go their way. If you remain calm and look for a reasonable solution to the problem, then you are teaching them to be calm and proactive in stressful circumstances.
How do you want your child to respond in difficult situations? That’s how you should respond when your child is driving you crazy.
You Can Do It!
I know it may feel impossible to develop the parenting skills it takes to be a calm parent. It is not easy to keep your cool when your kids are being difficult. However, it is possible! Start by picking one of the tips I gave you and putting it into practice. It may be a tough start, but practice will lead you to success!
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