How to Get What You Want From Your Husband

Have you ever been disappointed by an anniversary or Christmas gift from your husband? Or maybe you were expecting him to help out more when you were sick? Or perhaps he just isn’t living up to what he was before you got married.

If you can relate to these situations, then you probably want to know how to get what you want from your husband. The solution will require some effort and patience on your part, but it works.

1. Change Your Expectations

I haven’t ever watched much of The Simpson’s, but when I heard this story (featured above) from Jody Moore’s podcast on how to get exactly what you want for Christmas, I had to check it out. 

Here’s the story. (If you decide to watch the video above, feel free to skip to “the moral of the story” down below.) Marge and Homer are sitting together on Christmas Day and Marge pulls out her present to Homer. He runs out the door in a panic to find a last-minute present for her. However, he finds only closed stores and empty shelves.

Homer goes home feeling depressed because he doesn’t have anything for his wife. When he arrives home, Marge gives him his gift. Inside his gift, Homer finds another gift addressed from him to Marge. Marge explains that she knew he would forget, so her gift to Homer was a present to herself from him. 

Homer is thrilled and excitedly says, “That is just what I wanted!” He happily gives the gift to Marge, who then unwraps it and finds a picture of her with her husband, which was exactly what she wanted for Christmas. In the end, they both got what they wanted for Christmas and were very happy.

The moral of the story

I believe the moral of this story is that if you want something from your husband, you need to have realistic expectations and plan for what will probably happen. If you don’t expect your husband to be more than he already is, you won’t be as disappointed.

Did you know unrealistic expectations cause many marital conflicts? You can go here to learn more about unrealistic expectations and how to get rid of them. I guarantee it will make your marriage more fulfilling and you will get what you want from your man more often!

2. Communicate Exactly What You Want

If you want to get what you want from your husband, then you need to know what you want. This may seem obvious, but most of the time what we want on the surface is a reflection of a less obvious deeper desire or need that is not being met. 

For example, you may think you want your husband to take out the trash, but in reality you just don’t want to feel alone in doing the housework. This means that your need could be fulfilled by something other than your husband taking out the trash. 

How to figure out what you want from your husband

What do you want from your husband? In order to figure it out, follow these steps:  

1. Make a list of all the surface-level things you want from your husband.

This could include that you want him to take out the trash without being asked. 

2. Ask yourself why you want your husband to do these things. 

Why do you want him to take out the trash without being asked? Maybe you feel tired of reminding him to take part in chores, maybe you don’t want to feel alone in the house work, or maybe you feel extra loved when he takes out the trash. 

3. Connect your reasons with a deeper need or desire you have.

If you feel alone in household chores, then you probably want your husband to be more involved. If you’re tired of reminding him to do things, then you probably want to know your husband can get things done without you nagging. If you feel loved when your husband takes out the trash, then maybe you want him to serve more.

Congratulations! You have now discovered your deeper desire and what you actually want from your husband. The next step is to tell him what it is that you want.

How to tell your husband what you want from him

It may not feel easy or simple to tell your husband the real reasons behind you wanting him to take out the trash. However, it will address the real issue and help get you what you want. Instead of committing to take the trash out every week, your husband may share some other chores he wouldn’t mind doing on a daily basis to help around the house. 

To learn how to communicate your feelings and desires with your husband effectively, I recommend following the steps in this blog post.

3. Ask Him What He Wants and Provide it for Him

When you have a conversation about what you want from your husband, ask him what he wants. Encourage him to open up about his deeper desires. If he has a hard time figuring out what his deeper desires are or doesn’t understand what you mean, help him go through the steps in number 2 above. 

While you may think you know your husband’s deeper desires, it will make a world of difference if you have this conversation with him. He will be aware that you know his needs and are working to meet them, which will hopefully motivate him to meet your needs. A marriage is supposed to be a two-way relationship, so make sure you are putting in as much or more than what you want to get back.

4. Quit Nagging Him

If you want something from your husband and feel like you have to keep pestering him to get it, then stop nagging him. Your husband is not going to want to do something for you if you are annoying him constantly. 

Once you stop nagging, you may notice that your husband is more willing and eager to do what you ask of him.

If you want to learn all about nagging and how to stop it, then check out my blog post on how to stop being a nagging wife.

5. Acknowledge and Appreciate What He Does for You

If your husband regularly complimented you and expressed his gratitude for you, wouldn’t you want to do more for him? That is why it is so important that you openly acknowledge and appreciate what your husband does for you. 

Your husband will always feel inadequate and may give up on trying to please you if you are only focused on what he doesn’t do. You are also more likely to feel unsatisfied with your husband even if he does give you what you want. On the other hand, a husband who knows that his wife appreciates him will be more likely to go out of his way to give her what she wants. 

How to express appreciation

Here are a few guidelines on how to best express appreciation for your husband. 

1. Make it a daily habit.

Don’t just tell your husband thank you when you want something from him. (That is manipulation.) Learn to enjoy telling him thank you and sharing what you love about him. John Gottman (author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) says that couples who do this on a daily basis are more likely to have a better relationship and keep growing closer together. 

2. Appreciate the little things, not just the big things. 

Help your husband know you love and appreciate him for the small efforts he makes, not just the big ones. If he goes out of his way to open the door for you, then thank him! If he gives you a hug when you are sad, let him know how much that means to you. 

3. Take extra notice when he does what you want.

If your husband succeeds at fulfilling a deep desire of your’s, then make an extra effort to thank him in a special way. Tell him how much that meant to you and what deeper desire it fulfilled. 

For example, imagine your deeper desire is to not feel alone in household chores and your husband does the dishes without asking. Instead of saying, “Thanks for doing the dishes,” give him a hug and say, “You don’t know how much it means to me when you take initiative and help out. It helps me feel like I’m not alone.”

You Got This!

Now that you know how to get what you want from your husband, go and try it! Remember that this will require effort on your part, so be willing to work for what you want. Be open with your husband and above all, help him know you love and appreciate him for what he already does.