How to Have a Better Relationship With Your In-Laws

Relationships with in-laws can be complicated, awkward, and messy. Merging two families together is not always a walk in the park. However, there are always ways that you can have a better relationship with your in-laws. It just takes patience, effort, and a desire to have a good relationship with them.

My Relationship With My Parents In-Law

I adore my mother-in-law and father-in-law. They are so kind and generous to us, and I always look forward to seeing them.

When our daughter was born, they drove from Boise to Provo to stay a few days with us. They cooked us meals, held our baby so I could sleep, and visited with me and my husband. Later, when I had to have surgery, my mother-in-law helped take care of our daughter and made meals for us.

We have also been on many adventures with my in-laws, including snow skiing, camping, jet skiing, and visiting amusement parks in Orlando, Florida. 

While many people may think how lucky I am to have a great relationship with my in-laws, I will have to agree! However, it does not mean that I have not experienced differences between my lifestyle and my in-laws’ lifestyle. Despite the differences, I have learned to have a wonderful relationship with them. 

Differences With In-Laws are Common

Do you experience differences between you and your in-laws that cause tension? Do you wish those odd habits they have would just disappear so that you could be on common ground? Do you have a hard time visiting your in-laws?  If so, you are not alone. There are many couples who fear that their parents-in-law do not approve of them or are anxious when they come to visit.

The parents-in-law are likewise probably anxious when they get a new son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Will they fit into the family? Will they treat their child with love and respect? In all the anxiety, it is easy and normal for parents-in-law to notice all the differences between them and their new family member.

5 Tips to Have a Better Relationship With In-Laws

Here are some tips on how to navigate those differences and still have a positive relationship with your in-laws. I will refer to my relationship with my mother-in-law and father-in-law, but these principles can be applied to any in-law relationship. 

1. Be yourself.

Before you can accept your in-laws for who they are, you first have to accept yourself for who you are. Don’t try to impress your in-laws and be someone you are not. That will only create tension within your relationship with them and make you less likely to enjoy being with them.

Your in-laws also need to know the real you! Don’t hide your dreams and passions just because it does not line up with their lifestyle or their children’s lifestyle. You are your own person! Embrace yourself and they are more likely to embrace you!

2. Don’t try to change who they are.

Just like you shouldn’t change who you are to please your in-laws, they should not have to change who they are just to please you. My husband’s parents have aspects of their lives that they live differently from me, but I have learned to embrace rather than reject those differences. By accepting who they are, I have learned to love and appreciate them more.

3. Be honest about your feelings and opinions.

 I have found that there is great value in being honest about how you feel, and that your in-laws will most likely respect you for it!

Around the time our daughter was born, my mother-in-law was on the phone with us asking whether she should buy us a baby blessing dress for our little girl as a gift. (In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, newborns are given baby blessings and typically dressed white.) At the time, I had been leaning towards the idea of using the dress that my mom and I wore as newborns, even though it was older and not as fancy. 

I was slightly nervous about what my mother-in-law would think about me wanting to use an old baby blessing dress, but I tried to casually express my desire without making a definite decision. Towards the end of our conversation, she said something like, “You know, I really think you guys ought to go with Nicole’s dress. It sounds like that is what she really wants to do.”

I felt so much lighter after she said that and was reminded of how much my mother-in-law cares about my feelings. I also learned that it is important to express how I really feel and not give a different answer just because I think that is what my in-laws want to hear.

If you struggle sharing your feelings accurately with your in-laws, check out this post for some great advice!

4. Don’t compare your in-laws to your own family.

I think this is something everyone could work on. It is so easy to see all the “wrong” things your in-laws are doing just because they don’t do it like your family did. Their marriage, parenting styles, and way of life are not going to be the same as your family’s.

While differences are inevitable, I have learned that you will have a much better relationship with your in-laws if you let go of expectations that they will be like your family. 

For example, if you live in Canada and are visiting South Africa, you can’t possibly expect people to dress, eat, or talk the same! Imagine going to South Africa for Christmas expecting to go skiing and drink hot chocolate next to a toasty fire. That would turn into a miserable experience! Similarly, you can’t possibly expect two separate families to make food, raise kids, or interact with each other in the same way.

I promise you will feel much more relaxed in the presence of your in-laws and have a better relationship with them the sooner you come to accept this. Embrace their differences and learn to appreciate them. You may find you want to adopt some of the ways they live their lives.

5. Be open to learning from your in-laws.

While trying to accept and respect the differences you and your in-laws have, take the opportunity to learn something new from them! This will help you to more easily appreciate what you don’t have in common. 

When my husband and I spent our first Christmas break with his family, I was able to learn things from them that I had not learned from my own family.

One skill I learned was how to ski. My husband’s family had gone skiing many times throughout the years, while I had never been in my life. My mother and father-in-law paid for me to have a private lesson, and then they went skiing down the bunny hill with me multiple times. They were very patient with me and taught me some good strategies to help me have a wonderful time and avoid getting hurt. I learned through this experience that I can trust my mother and father-in-law and that we can have fun together.

Something else I learned was how to decorate royal icing sugar cookies. My mother-in-law is an expert at making and decorating sugar cookies, so I asked her if she would teach me. Not only was this a great bonding experience, but I had so much fun and was able to appreciate the amazing talent she has. 

So if your relationship with your mother or father-in-law is not as good as you would like, then ask them to teach you something! Be open to advice they give and learn how to have fun together by trying something new.

What to do About Mean or Manipulative In-Laws

Now what happens if those differences go so far that your relationship with your in-laws is barely a relationship at all? This may have been caused by a variety of events, personalities, or past experiences. Nevertheless, it can be a very stressful situation to be in. Here are a few tips that I have heard helped others to get through difficulties with in-laws.

1. Let go of mean or inappropriate comments.

Since many people tend to seek approval from their in-laws, it can hurt when they say mean or inappropriate comments to us. Words can be very powerful and used to manipulate, yet we should not let unkind words eat at us.

Being able to let these undesirable words go in one ear and out the other can be a huge step towards having a better relationship with your in-laws. Remember that what your in-laws say or think should not determine your future: that is your job! 

2. Don’t hold on to grudges.

While it can be hard to forgive, it is the best way to help you move on with your future. Learn to forget the past and hope that things will ultimately turn out better than they started. I have heard stories about in-law relationships starting out badly but turning out wonderfully. I believe that is because both parties were able to let go of hurtful mistakes and see the good in each other. 

One very important aspect of forgiveness is that it does not benefit the other party as much as it will benefit you. Forgiveness is a state of mind that we choose and helps us let go of our hard feelings and accept peace that comes from Jesus Christ. Most importantly, it is a commandment from God! He does not want us to do anything that will not lead to our happiness, so forgiveness is something we should work to embrace.

3. Remember your relationship with your spouse and children come first.

Is the tension, fighting, and lack of self-esteem in your in-laws’ presence getting to the point where it is tearing your family apart? If so, then it is okay to get out of or take a break from the relationship you have with your in-laws. Remember that your relationship with yourself, your spouse, and your children should come first. 

Even if you are not experiencing drastic tension or fighting, know that this still applies to you. No other relationships (other than with God) should come before the relationships you have with your spouse and children. Stick up for them when needed, set boundaries, and never let the connection with your in-laws interfere with the connection you have with your immediate family.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

You Can Do it!

I hope these tips were helpful and will give you some direction on the next steps you can take improve your relationship with your in-laws. You’ve got this! 

How have you navigated differences with your in-laws? Share in the comments below how you handled it!

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