How to Improve Your Child’s Behavior

As a parent, you have probably struggled to figure out which type of discipline works best on children. What will get them to make the right choices and stop making the wrong ones? How can we keep them out of trouble? How do we help them learn from other’s mistakes instead of making all those mistakes on their own? To sum it up: How do I improve my child’s behavior? 

These questions can be asked over and over with no satisfying answers. My goal today is to open your eyes to the realization that you can help your child make good decisions in life and avoid trouble. 

Punishment vs Reinforcement

To clarify, punishment is something inflicted upon someone to change bad behavior, while reinforcement is used to encourage the continuation of good behavior. With these definitions, punishment could be anything from time-out, to taking away the keys to the car, to scolding. On the other hand, reinforcement could include giving your child a sucker, dismissing them from chores, or complimenting them.

Each of us has experienced punishment and reinforcement, and we likewise have each punished and reinforced others. While each is necessary at times, we may still wonder, “Which is most effective?”

Effects of Punishment  

In one of my college courses (Theories in Family Perspectives), my professor assigned one student (we will call her Jane) to step outside the classroom while he gave the rest of us our instructions. When Jane came back, it was her job to figure out the behavior we wanted her to do without directly telling her what it was. We decided that the behavior would be going to the back of the room and making appropriate physical contact with one of the Teacher’s Assistants (TA’s). 

While Jane experimented to discover the desired behavior, we were to say, “I don’t like that!” if she did something that was not correlated with touching the TA’s. If she started moving closer to TA’s, we wouldn’t say anything at all. 

After our professor explained to Jane what her goal was, he let her in and she pranced around the room like a curious preschooler. We shouted phrases such as, “I don’t like that!” “Stop it!” and “Jane, no!” This happened whenever she talked to one of the students, drew on the whiteboard, or sat still and did nothing. We were only silent when she started in the direction of the TA’s and played with one of their braids. 

Even though it was a pretend scenario and I was laughing half the time, I also felt annoyed at Jane; practically nothing she did was right. Despite having made physical contact with one of the TA’s, she still didn’t know that was the desired behavior.

Effects of Reinforcement

Jane was again sent out into the hall while we prepared for the next assignment. She still needed to discover what we wanted her to do, but this time we were only supposed to give her positive reinforcement. 

When Jane walked back in the room, she did many of the same actions she did before, only this time we weren’t yelling at her at all. When she chose to wander around the front of the room, we were silent. As she slowly started toward the back of the room where the TA’s were, we would say things like, “I like that!” “Good job!” and “Way to go, Jane!” 

It didn’t take long before Jane was able to figure out what we wanted her to do. Before long, she was sitting next to one of the TA’s and putting her head on her shoulder. 

Unlike the first round where we were constantly yelling and punishing Jane’s behavior, I felt more compassion for her. I was more amused than annoyed when she talked to other students, played with the whiteboard eraser, or explored the room. When Jane did do what we wanted, she did it more often and was eager to keep doing it. 

Is Punishment or Reinforcement Better at Changing Behavior?

From this class activity, I learned that positive reinforcement is most effective in helping a child to do what you want them to do. While punishment helps a child know what they shouldn’t do, reinforcement helps them know what they should do. While excessive punishment can distance parents from their children, a lot of reinforcement can help parents and children feel closer to each other.

Why Punishment is Sometimes Still Necessary

Another important lesson I learned from this activity is that discipline and sometimes punishment is still necessary. When we were only using positive reinforcement, Jane pretended to draw on the wall and we didn’t do anything about it. Without discipline, children may never learn what is inappropriate or how to improve their behavior. 

Discipline could be as simple as saying, “Jane, please don’t draw on the wall.” Discipline could also include punishing the child by taking away the markers to help them understand that drawing on the wall is not a good choice. 

Now don’t get me wrong, we still need to practice positive reinforcement. However, there needs to be a balance between reinforcement and punishment. We should not solely rely on one or the other. 

Balancing Punishment and Reinforcement 

In a romantic relationship, John Gottman says that there needs to be five positive interactions for every negative interaction in order to maintain a happy relationship. I suggest that we use this same ratio for parenting. For every punishment, we need to provide five reinforcements for our children. 

Now I understand that amount of reinforcement may seem like a lot, and some kids are just going to be rebellious no matter how good you make them feel. But think about it! If all you were told was what you did wrong and only occasionally what you did right, how would you feel? Pretty awful, right? 

Now imagine being encouraged throughout the day, and when you make a mistake knowingly or unknowingly, you receive the appropriate discipline to teach you what you did wrong. Isn’t that a better solution to helping our children learn and grow?

Now Go Try it!

I encourage you to see the good in your child, and more importantly, acknowledge it! Help them know you are proud of them when they make good choices  and try their best. Help them know you love them no matter what. 

I believe if we all strive to practice positive reinforcement more often than punishment, we will have happier kids who are more willing to do what we ask. We will also have a stronger relationship with our kids and give them more positive memories of childhood. 

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on helping your kids improve their behavior! Comment below, email me, or share your thoughts on my Facebook Page!