How To Know If You And Your Spouse Have Insecure Attachment Styles

Have you ever been confused as to why one spouse usually wants to be sexually intimate more than the other, or why the other spouse wants to be more emotionally close than the other? This is a very common situation in marriage, and usually occurs because the partners have insecure attachment styles.

While it may be discouraging to have different levels of sexual and emotional interest in a marriage, it can actually be a good thing if both spouses are willing to work through their differences together. 

Example of Insecure Attachment

Let’s look at a typical marital scenario. Spouse A loves Spouse B a lot, but often worries that Spouse B doesn’t love them as much. Spouse A constantly makes bids for emotional connection, which Spouse B turns away from or ignores. Spouse A admires Spouse B but often wonders if they are not good enough for Spouse B. 

On the outside, Spouse B is very confident, independent, and self-assured. They rely on themselves more than on other people because they have a hard time trusting others. Spouse B still has insecurities, but feels uncomfortable expressing those insecurities and being vulnerable, even though they love Spouse A. 

Spouse B still needs some form of connection, and that usually comes through sexual intimacy. However, when Spouse B seeks for this connection, they are shut down by Spouse A. This is usually because Spouse A doesn’t feel emotionally connected or safe enough to have sex. However, connecting sexually is usually what would help Spouse B to open up emotionally.

Do you see the issues here? Both spouses are seeking some form of connection, yet both are shutting each other out. The tendency in this situation is to continue in a downward spiral. 

If Spouse A and Spouse B continue this cycle without seeking help or intervention, it is going to have a very sad ending with built up resentment, hurt feelings, and misunderstanding. 

So how is it possible for this situation to bless this couple’s marriage? First, let’s take a look at what attachment is and the different types of attachment styles that accompany it. If you see a part of yourself or your spouse in Spouse A or Spouse B, then the following information will help know if you guys are experiencing insecure attachment styles.

What is Attachment? 

Attachment is an innate human need and starts to develop when we are infants. How our parents respond to our cries and need for attention is a big factor in determining if we will develop an anxious, avoidant, or secure attachment. A secure attachment with our spouse is important because it gives us a safe place to turn when we are in distress and also provides the confidence we need to take healthy risks in life. 

Our attachment style can change throughout our lives, but understanding what it is now can help us know how to get on the path to becoming securely attached to our spouse and others. 

The Different Types of Attachment Styles

The three types of attachment styles discussed here are anxious, avoidant, and secure. It is very important to understand each of these in order to understand yourself and your spouse better. 

Anxious

Those who have an anxious attachment style typically have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others. They see others as trustworthy, but they see themselves as inadequate and incompetent. They want to be loved by others, but fear that others will see their inadequacies and leave them. That is why they are typically clingy and constantly seek attention; they need constant reassurance that those they love will not leave. In the above example, Spouse A had an anxious attachment style.

Avoidant

Those who have an avoidant attachment style have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others. They don’t feel like they can rely on anyone  but themselves. They rarely see anyone but themselves as trustworthy, and they are uncomfortable sharing their emotions and deepest feelings with others, even when it is necessary. Spouse B had an avoidant attachment style in the example above. 

Secure

Those who are securely attached have a positive view of themselves and a positive view of others. They see themselves as competent and capable, and they see others as trustworthy. These people are able to develop healthy and happy connections with others.

What Attachment Style Do You Have?

Do you have an anxious, avoidant, or secure attachment style? Knowing your attachment style is very important because it will affect how you interact with your spouse. To discover your attachment style, answer these questions about yourself from one of my favorite books, Sexual Wholeness in Marriage.

1. Do I find it difficult or awkward to get close to others?
2. Do I not trust most people?
3. Do people in my family or romantic relationships sometimes complain that I seem aloof or distant?
4. Do I generally feel that it is best just to depend on myself, and not rely on others?
5. Are other people reluctant to get as close to me as I would prefer?
6. Do I often worry that my romantic partners don’t love me, or will leave me? 
7. Do I sometimes get so close to others that they feel overwhelmed trying to meet my needs?
8. Do I usually feel anxious about how my relationship is going?

If you answered yes to any of the first four questions, you may be leaning toward an avoidant attachment style. If you answered yes to any of the last four questions, you may be leaning toward an anxious attachment style. Answering no to all eight questions means you most likely have a secure attachment style.

What Now? 

Now that you have discovered your attachment style, you are on your way to understanding yourself, your spouse, and your relationship with your spouse better. Next week, I’ll be sharing some tips on how enhance your relationship with your spouse if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style. 

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