How to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can be the source of very painful conflict. For me, letting go of unrealistic expectations has been the key to resolving marital conflict. 

But how do you let go of unrealistic expectations? This can be tough to answer, especially if it means letting go of expectations you have had for a while. Together, we will go through a step-by-step process on how to recognize and let go of unrealistic expectations. I will also provide examples to help you learn how to apply these steps. 

Step 1: Identify potential conflicting expectations

When your spouse does something that annoys you, it is likely because they are not doing what you expected them to do. This is a conflicting expectation. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the expectation is realistic or unrealistic; it simply means that your expectation and your spouse’s actions do not align.

Step 2: Assess whether the conflicting expectation is realistic or unrealistic

It can be challenging to decipher what expectations are unrealistic and which ones are realistic. It is important to know that it is typically different from couple to couple and person to person. 

For example, it is realistic for me to expect my husband to provide money to pay our bills since he has a good full-time job. However, it is unrealistic for him to expect that of me when I have college classes and a baby to take care of. 

Here are a couple questions you can ask yourself to determine whether or not your expectation is realistic: 

• Do I also struggle to accomplish that thing that I expect my spouse to do?
• Has my spouse recently changed their behavior to not meet my expectations? Or has this been an on-going occurrence? 
• Does my spouse know what I expect from them?

Step 3: Let go of unrealistic expectations and resolve realistic expectations

If it is unrealistic, you need to let it go. If it is realistic, you need to have a talk with your spouse about it. (Here are some tips on how to address your concerns without causing a fight.) Sometimes you won’t know if your expectations are realistic or unrealistic until you talk with them. 

Example Scenarios

Scenario #1: 

Your spouse has been struggling lately to put their clothes in the laundry hamper, and this annoys you. First, you identify that your expectation for your spouse is to put their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper right away. 

Next, you assess whether this is a realistic expectation by asking yourself: “Do I put my dirty clothes in the laundry hamper right away?” You are generally pretty good at keeping your dirty clothes off the floor, so you answer yes to this question.

You then ask yourself: “Is this a recent occurrence, or has my spouse always struggled to put their clothes in the laundry hamper?” If it is a recent occurrence, then you have a realistic expectation that is temporarily being unmet. This means that you two need to talk about what is going on and how you can help each other.

If your spouse has always struggled with putting their clothes in the hamper, then you may have an unrealistic expectation. At that point, you need to chat with your spouse, discuss what’s bothering you, and decide what a realistic expectation could be. Maybe your spouse is in such a hurry to get to work that they don’t think about putting their dirty clothes away. In that case, they could commit to putting their clothes away before going to bed when they are thinking more clearly.

There is no right or wrong way to come up with a solution; you two need to decide what works for you.

Scenario #2:

About a year after my husband, Chase, and I got married, I felt disappointed in our different views of holidays. It was then that I identified conflicting expectations. I had much bigger and different expectations for some holidays than my husband did. I felt frustrated that he didn’t automatically know how I wanted to celebrate certain holidays. 

After talking with my husband, I assessed that I had some unrealistic expectations. My husband didn’t know what I was wanting to do for certain holidays, and therefore, I was expecting unrealistic things from him. 

I then let go of my unrealistic expectations, which was for Chase to automatically know how I wanted to celebrate holidays. We also resolved realistic expectations by creating an online document with holidays of importance to me. I ordered the holidays from most important to least important, and wrote down a couple activities or gift ideas I would enjoy for each holiday. 

By clarifying and simplifying my desires and by allowing Chase to share his thoughts, we were able to let go of unrealistic expectations and resolve the realistic ones. 

You can do it!

I know from experience that as you learn to let go of unrealistic expectations, you will have a more fulfilling marriage. There will be less contention in your home, and you will be happier! So go try it and let me know whether this formula works for you in the comments below!