How to Effectively Communicate Your Feelings

I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes it is really hard for me to effectively communicate to others how I am feeling, even if I trust the person.

Growing up, it was difficult for me to get myself to talk to my parents about my emotions. I eventually mustered up the courage, but it took a lot of effort and reminding myself that I would feel much better after talking with them. I knew my mom and dad would listen to me, but there was something inside of me that just wanted to keep my feelings to myself because they were hard to express. 

It was sometimes so hard for me to that I would start crying while I was attempting to express my emotions clearly. This made it even more challenging for me to talk with them because I HATED crying when there was no good reason. I hardly ever cried because I was sad, but usually just because it was (and still is) part of my process of sharing my deep thoughts and concerns with someone else.

This process also has happened and continues to happen when I share something that I am deeply (and not so deeply) worried about with my husband, Chase. I know he always wants to listen to how I am feeling, and I know that he cares about my emotions. However, there is often this little voice inside of me saying, “Don’t tell him! It will make things worse!” I usually give in to this voice by waiting until later to tell him, which most often makes the concerns I have feel bigger and scarier. This pushes me to talk to him rather than waiting any longer to open up to him. Once I do open up to him, I feel a million times better and the problem that was lingering in my mind and causing me so much anxiety becomes minuscule.

Why Do We Hold Back?

So why do we hold back from sharing how we are feeling, especially when we know the problem won’t go away unless we talk about it?

 I believe lots of it is because of fear: fear that we will hurt the other person in the process, fear that they will look down upon us, fear that they won’t validate our feelings, fear that it will cause further contention or problems, and maybe even fear that we won’t be loved anymore. I know I have some of these fears when I delay a needed conversation. Another fears people have is being unable to communicate what they truly feel or have what they say be misinterpreted. 

The Key to Communicating Feelings Effectively

So how can we combat these fears and effectively express our feelings?

Here is what an amazing Family Relations teacher taught me about how to share what we are feeling with other people. Let’s start with the example of your spouse coming home late and not letting you know ahead of time. This worries you, so you say:

“You should have been here on time! Why didn’t you tell me you were running late?! You are so careless!”

How do you think this makes your spouse feel? Maybe accused? Misunderstood? Hurt? Angry? 

Yeah… let’s all agree that is NOT the way to go…

 In order to open up about our emotions, we need to share the following:

1. “When  [enter event that causes the problem],
2. I feel/felt [enter emotion words (sad, angry, confused,etc)]
3. because [enter thoughts].
4. I would like [enter hope or desire].”

So instead of you accusing your spouse of being careless and making them feel belittled, here is an example of what you could say (following the model from above): 

1. “When you didn’t tell me you were running late,
2. I felt worried
3. because I didn’t know where you were or if you were safe.
4. I would like you to let me know when you are running late.”

Doesn’t this approach feel much kinder than the original statement? Instead of making your spouse the problem, it makes the problem the problem. It also is much more solution-oriented and provides a peaceful way to resolve the issue rather than initiating a shouting match. 

Each of these steps is critical to accurately expressing your emotions and helping the other person understand you. If the “I feel/felt” is left out, then it may sound like you are accusing the other person. Without explaining why you felt a certain way and what you would like to be done about it, then the person is left clueless as to what the problem is and what to do about it.

My husband is really good at encouraging me to use the “I feel” statement. Although I still have a hard time with it, I have gotten better at expressing my emotions by being married to him. Now, I want to work on this process I showed up above in order to more clearly communicate what I am feeling and why. I don’t want my husband to have to play the guessing game in order to know how to address my concern.

Now Go Try It Today!

I have a challenge for anyone who is reading this right now. Use the communication process I showed you above at least one time TODAY. I promise that it is a better way to handle conflict and a better way to help someone understand what you are feeling and why. (And if you don’t have an opportunity to do it today, then put a reminder on your phone to do it tomorrow.) Just make a commitment to do it! I promise it will be worth it to you and your spouse!