How to Respond to Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles in Marriage

In the last post, we discussed how to know whether you and your spouse have anxious and avoidant attachment styles. In this post, we are going to talk about what to do if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style. (If you are clueless as to what attachment styles are, go here to read the previous post.)

What To Do if You Have an Anxious Attachment Style

If you have an anxious attachment style, then you tend to have a positive view of others and a negative view of yourself. You worry that you aren’t good enough for others, and you feel the need to rely on others for help.

Learn to Build Self-Confidence 

First of all, it is crucial that you learn to self-soothe. You tend to rely on others to reassure you that you are good enough. However, not everyone can or will do that. Therefore, you need to learn how to tell yourself you are good enough. It may be difficult because you probably have a hard time believing in yourself. Here are a few ways that you can learn to calm your own anxieties:

• Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself, “I am capable, strong, and God will help me do hard things.”
• If you start feeling anxious that your spouse doesn’t think you’re good enough, back away from the situation and take a break. Remind yourself that they chose to marry you, and they are still there with you.
• Focus on recognizing and getting rid of distorted and intrusive thoughts.
• Pray for strength and peace. God will give it to you if you ask.

Help Your Spouse Understand Your Needs

As a person with an anxious attachment style, you probably feel the need for more emotional closeness, like Spouse A in the previous blog post. This is normal and can actually help your marriage!

Instead of getting anxious about being emotionally distant from your spouse, talk with them about your needs and desires. Tell them that you need to share your feelings, connect through non-sexual touch, talk about each other’s dreams, and feel like your emotions are validated. Help your spouse understand that these simple things will allow you to feel more safe, secure, and maybe even more open to sexual intimacy. (If you struggle to share your feelings with your spouse, use this simple formula here.)

As you are open with your spouse about your needs, you will feel less inclined to constantly seek attention and validation from your spouse. You may also find yourself backing off a little, which will help your spouse be open to getting emotionally closer to you. 

Work Together So You Can Say Yes to Sex

You may often feel that your spouse just wants to have sex for sex, but in reality, they may want to be close to you and not know another way. 

I’m not saying you should say yes when you sincerely don’t want to or don’t feel safe. However, you can learn to feel comfortable saying yes when you help your spouse know what you need to get there. And maybe your spouse is only able to get you halfway there, but I encourage you to put in a little extra effort to get yourself the rest of the way. 

This may take time, therapy, and deeper conversations with your spouse. But I promise it will be worth it! Your spouse will feel more loved and desired by you, which will get them on the path to being more emotionally open. 

(Note: Please understand that there are situations in which this does not apply, such as abusive or manipulative relationships. If this is the case, please get outside help.)