How to Understand Your Partner (when they do things that don’t make sense)
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Have you ever felt like your partner reacted irrationally when you asked them a simple question? Or you were having a casual, light-hearted conversation when all of a sudden they went silent or started sobbing?
These unpredictable behaviors can be very frustrating and confusing, and you may be at a loss at how to resolve the issue or figure out what the issue even is. That is why it is crucial to learn how to understand your partner better, especially in those frustrating moments.
Why is it so Hard to Understand my Partner Sometimes?
Everyone is different and has had different life experiences. Because of this, everyone interprets interactions differently. This is also known as the symbolic interaction theory.
Being aware of symbolic interaction can give you a great advantage in knowing how to understand your partner better.
How misunderstandings between partners happen
Here’s an example story about how symbolic interaction can make it hard for partners to understand each other:
Two people are on a date at the movies. The boy reaches out and hold his date’s hand while they are watching a movie.
To the girl, this is a symbol that the boy really likes her and wants to further the relationship. However, the boy did it out of habit because he always holds his dates’ hands when watching a movie.
In this story, both people are experiencing the same interaction. However, it has a different symbolic meaning for the girl than for the boy.
Can’t you see how this could create problems in the future?
She may be expecting a good-night kiss and expect him to date her exclusively, while he may have plans to date other girls. When they don’t share these expectations with each other, it causes conflict and total misunderstanding between partners.
You might also like: The Second Sage of Love: How to Deal With Disagreements
4 Easy Steps to Understand Your Partner Better
Want to avoid situations like the one above in your relationship? These 4 steps will help you use the symbolic interaction theory to your advantage to better understand your partner.
1) Notice the behavior that confuses you.
If you don’t take effort to notice what is bugging you, then you will likely put blame on something else and dig yourself in a hole of confusing emotions.
Trust me, it is much better to acknowledge what is bugging you than to ignore it.
2) Ask what the problem is or express your concern.
Make sure that you ask or express in a kind and curious way, not in a tone that would promote conflict or seem judgmental. Help your partner know you just want to understand them, not accuse them.
It may be tempting to try ignore the annoying behavior and not risk conflict between you and your partner. However, staying silent when a behavior has repeatedly bothered you will not help you understand your partner.
Talking to your partner is a much better way to handle things than just hoping they will stop annoying you.
3) Listen without judgment.
Be an unbiased listener. Let go of any assumptions you have as you let your partner explain.
If this is something you struggle with, then pray for guidance and help. Ask God to soften your heart to see your partner as He sees them and be a kind listener.
You can also use your body language to show you are fully invested in this conversation and they can trust you.
4) Repeat back and validate what they just told you.
One of the best ways to understand your partner is by repeating back what they said in your own words. This will clear up any other misunderstandings and give your partner a chance to explain themselves further if needed.
Validating your partner will also help them know you understand them and have sympathy for them. Tell them you not only know what they were feeling, but that it makes sense why they were feeling that way.
Examples of Using These Steps to Understand Your Partner
These examples are both from real-life experiences. I have bolded the steps mentioned above as they are used in these examples.
Example #1
One of my marriage and family professors told a story about how the symbolic interaction theory (and the steps above) helped him understand his wife:
One night he was washing the dishes, as he had done regularly for years during his marriage. He noticed his wife slammed one of the cupboard doors, clearly upset about something. He asked her what the matter was, and she said she was fine. She then shut another cupboard door fairly hard, and he prompted her again to tell him what was wrong.
He listened as she told him what she felt. She explained her belief that he was doing the dishes because he didn’t think she was good at it. She believed he thought she was a terrible housekeeper and didn’t keep things clean enough.
My professor was astounded when he heard this! He said, “You must have been so frustrated all these years, thinking I believed you didn’t do a good enough job! I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to feel this way.”
The sole purpose for him doing the dishes was simply because he liked it and they needed to be cleaned. What a contrast in perceptions!
Imagine what could have happened if my professor and his wife had remained silent amidst the internal conflict! Negative thoughts would have grown and could have caused further damage in their marriage.
Example #2
My husband and I were on our honeymoon in Hawaii, and we were hanging out in our rented condo. We were having a great time; we loved being together 24/7 and going on all kinds of island adventures.
I was eager to get out and experience some more exciting things with my new husband, but he was sitting on the couch playing around on his laptop. I let it go for a little bit, but I noticed he was in no hurry to get out the door and have some fun.
Inside, I felt hurt because my husband and I were on our honeymoon, and it seemed like he wanted to be on his stinkin’ laptop more than he wanted to be with me!
I laid on the bed for a minute to wallow in my own self-pity, then went over to the couch, sat next to him, and expressed through watery eyes what I was feeling and why.
My husband then told me that he was sorry and did not want me to feel bad. I listened as he explained he was on his laptop because he wanted to relax for a minute and to change our relationship status on Facebook before going on our next outing.
“Oh, so you just needed a break and wanted to tell people that we’re married now,” I said. “Yep!” he replied.
I was so relieved that I opened up about what I was feeling so that I could understand my partner better. I felt silly to feel so hurt by an action that had no harm engrained in it whatsoever!
Conclusion
The symbolic interaction theory is something that each of us experience on a daily basis, since we are always interpreting people’s actions and words. If you can identify when interactions are interpreted differently, then you can know how to understand your partner better and resolve hurt feelings.
So the next time your partner has an unexpected reaction, seek to learn how they are viewing the situation. Give them the opportunity to open up by expressing your concern and asking non-judgmental questions. Being open about each other’s interpretations of interactions will help you to understand your partner better and avoid further conflict.
Want to know what to do when you feel misunderstood or have difficulty sharing your feelings? Read this blogpost to know what to do!
This is so helpful. I think that a lot of the conflict that happens in marriage is due to 2 different interpretations of what’s actually happening. I’ll be sure to notice, ask, listen and repeat the next time one of these situations come up in my marriage. Thanks for this! 🙂
You’re so welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it, Jessica!