No Such Thing as “Just a Mom”

 Have any of you stay-at-home mothers ever had someone ask you what you do for a living and you responded with something like, “Well… I’m just a mom”? And maybe you felt the need to justify your situation by explaining how many kids you have to raise or all the programs you volunteer for to excuse yourself for not working? 

I’ve had experiences similar to this when people asked me what my major in college was. I would usually respond with “marriage and family studies” and then quickly proceed to explain that it won’t only help with being a mom but that I wanted to become a marriage and family therapist one day as well. Maybe I was scared people would assume that I “only” was going to school to learn how to raise a family, or maybe I wanted to prove that I could do something good in the world other than birthing babies and changing diapers..

Do you see the problem with this? I was degrading the very thing that allowed us to even be alive in the first place! Later on in life, I began to realize that I was putting down motherhood when I tried to explain what I thought seemed the better or ”real” reason for my degree. 

So how do we avoid putting ourselves down? How can we be confident in the role we have as mothers, whether or not we are involved in other activities, programs, or hobbies? 

Let’s start by going through some doubts and concerns that many mothers have. 

I graduated from college and now all that work is going to waste…

Maybe you earned a degree in college and were planning on using it to further your career, but then your kiddos came along and it became unrealistic for you to get a job or continue working full-time. This can be disheartening, especially when you think about all the time and money you spent to earn your degree. 

However, the knowledge and experiences you gained will not go to waste. While some aspects of your degree may seem irrelevant to parenthood, that is not entirely true. Think of everything you can now teach your kids because of what you know! 

For example, if you did research during college, then you can help your children understand the difference between reliable and unreliable sources. This will teach them to not believe everything they hear and seek validation if they want to know whether something is true or not. 

Not only will that be beneficial to your children, but to you as well! You’ll be able to seek accurate information to make parental decisions, and you will know what advice to ignore.

I wasn’t even able to start/finish my degree when my little one came along…

If this applies to you, it may be easy to feel like a failure. Today’s society seems to define a successful person by the education they have received and/or by how much money they can make. However, you don’t have to have a college diploma or a high paying job in order to feel fulfilled in life and have success.

My grandma and grandpa both chose to discontinue college and focus on raising a family when they got married. They ended up having 8 kids in 10 years, and they are all amazing people whom I look up to (my dad included). I am who I am today because of my amazing father whom my grandparents raised. I owe a lot to them for the happy life I have lived so far. 

I also was able to live with my grandparents for 6 months after graduating high school and before attending college. I learned a lot from them, such as how to stand up for what I believe in, getting tasks done efficiently, being a dependable person, the importance of serving others, how to have fun, and how to make God and family a priority.

Although my grandparents may not have official college degrees, they are some of the wisest people I know and have been great examples to me of what it means to live a good life. They serve willingly, they love their family, and they stand firm in their faith in God.

The moral of the story? We don’t need a college diploma in order to make a difference in the world, and parenting (and grand parenting)  is one of the greatest ways to change someone’s life for the better.

But I should be having some sort of income, right?

Today’s culture seems to measure people’s worth in dollars, so it may feel natural to you to feel like you aren’t as valued if you don’t have an income or if your income is lower than you would like it to be.

If you think money is the obstacle that makes your mothering job feel worthless, think again! Nannies, babysitters, and day cares are paid to take care of children. Not necessarily to raise them and help them learn good morals, but mainly to make sure they don’t get hurt or seriously injured while the parents are gone. 

On the other hand, you are not paid to watch your own children. However, you are one of their main role models in life. You are their coach, cheerleader, seamstress, chef, therapist, and life teacher! You are saving hundreds of dollars and you are helping your child have a better life because of the love and time you give them. (I’m not saying that childcare is bad or not helpful at times, but that you are the one who can love and care for your child the best at no cost!)

But so-and-so is a mom and manages to work full-time, volunteer, and get together with friends! Next to her, I barely do anything…

It can be easy to get stuck in the trap of comparing yourself to others. You may feel like if you have a similar work load or the same number of kids as someone else, you should be able to be as efficient and as involved as that person. 

Well, let me let you in on a little secret that could change how you think about this: 

Everyone is different. 

I know… so cliche, right? But if you truly believed that, you wouldn’t worry so much about trying to do it all just because your friend can do it all. 

So try to believe it. Believe that her life is different than yours. Her kids are different. Her financial situation is different. Her family life is different. Her mental capacity is different. Her daily routine is different. Her emotional needs are different. Her physical abilities are different. Her goals are different. 

Her whole life is different.

In sum, don’t compare apples to oranges. Both are great, and some people prefer one over the other (and some people don’t have time to peel oranges) which is totally ok!

But back when ________, I totally had time for _____, _____, and _____. So I should be able to do all that now, right? 

I can’t tell you how many times I have told myself some version of this statement. Just the other day, my husband Chase and I were out running/walking with our 4-month-old in the stroller when I began to feel discouraged. I had run out of energy and I was stuck at a slow walk, my body not wanting to go any faster. 

I told Chase how frustrating it was thinking about how fast I used to be compared to how slow I am now. It felt like my progress had back-tracked and I was now at ground zero again. 

Chase told me that I need to compare myself to yesterday, not to 4 years ago. Just like every person is different, every situation in our lives are also different. 4 years ago I wasn’t married, I didn’t have a baby, and I wasn’t trying to juggle parenthood and college at the same time. To add onto that, I had also just received the second dose of the Covid vaccine the day before, causing me to really not feel 100%. 

So really- don’t tell yourself you’re a failure just because your life is different than it was in the past. Your life is changing and so should your goals!

To Sum it Up…

Mama, you are amazing! Believe that what you do as a mother is also amazing, because you will have a huge impact on your children for the rest of their lives. You don’t need any excuses to prove to anyone that what you do is incredible.