Parenting and Marriage: How to Build a Strong Marriage With Kids
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When our first baby was born, I felt like I fell in love with my husband all over again. We worked really well together as a team, and it melted my heart to see him become a dad.
Now, almost 4 years later and pregnant with our third baby, I’m starting to see how kids can bring more tension into marriage. It’s not as easy as it was when we just had ourselves and one little newborn. We often have more questions that answers, and we are still figuring out what kind of disciplining techniques to use.
Now I understand why parents may ask themselves, “How can I build a strong marriage with kids? Is it even possible?”
I’m here to tell you that parenting and marriage can exist happily, but the key is putting your marriage first!
How Does Parenthood Affect Marriage?
Yes, parenthood is so wonderful and can open up so many opportunities for growth and love. However, you can’t go through parenthood without it changing your marriage.
1. Harder to have needs met
When you add a little needy and dependent human to your family, it’s a lot harder to have your own needs met. Making time for things like exercise, hobbies, cleaning, and preparing meals can be difficult. Without having all your needs met, it can be challenging to be patient with your spouse and yourself.
2. New decisions to make
Becoming parents means you’ll have to discuss a lot of things you haven’t talked about before. You’ll have to decide what kind of discipline style you’ll use, how much money you’ll spend on your children, what kind of birthday parties to throw them, what type of education they’ll have, etc. SO MANY DECISIONS!
3. Unwanted/unexpected emotions
With pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children there comes a whole hurricane of unwanted or unexpected emotions. While lots of these emotions are caused by hormones, some come from the constant stresses of being a parent.
And I’m sorry to tell you this, but a lot of the negative emotions may be directed toward your spouse.
4. New exciting things
Although parenting will bring lots of stress in a marriage, it can also bring immense joy. Watching your child grow and learn and become their own person can be so wonderful. Knowing that you are working with your spouse to raise a good person will strengthen your marriage in a way that nothing else can.
5. Less time together
It can go without saying that when you have kids, it means you have less time together alone as a couple. All those things you used to do spontaneously in your marriage now have to be planned out and may happen less often. This includes spontaneous movie nights, sex, going on dates, traveling, etc.
6. Changing schedules
When you are parents, your lives revolve around when the kids go to bed, dinner time, and taking your kid to school. As your child grows, you will continually need to adjust your schedule according to their needs and activities.
7. New friends
When you add parenting to your marriage, you will likely hang out with other adults who have kids. This might mean that your friend group changes and you don’t keep in touch with your single or kid-less friends as often.
How to Balance Parenting and Marriage (and keep your marriage strong)
As you can probably tell, parenting can change the dynamics of a marriage quite a bit! But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Instead of fighting the change and longing for the past, you can embrace the changes as they come and use them as opportunities for marital growth.
Here are a few tips to help you build a strong marriage while parenting:
1. Ask God for help
This is the most beneficial thing for your marriage and parenting that you can do! God knows you and your family perfectly, so He can guide you to know how to prioritize YOUR marriage while parenting YOUR kids.
Pray individually for help, and pray together as a couple. Search the scriptures for ideas and answers, and pay attention to what the Holy Spirit is trying to teach you.
You might also like: Why You Should Be Praying Together as a Couple
2. Schedule regular time to spend together
It is sooooo important that you keep spending time together as a couple. And not just time cleaning, but time having fun!
Keep celebrating important dates, like your anniversary and your favorite holidays. And please PLEASE keep scheduling regular dates! (Even if they are at home!) If you want to keep enjoying each other, your relationship needs some fun in it.
My parents were an amazing example of what it looked like to prioritize time with each other. They have had weekly Friday dates for as long as I can remember. And their marriage has remained strong in part because of those consistent dates.
If you have a busy schedule, plan in just 10-15 minutes of quality time with your spouse each day. You will be shocked at how much good it can do for both of you!
You might also enjoy: 10-minute Quality Time Ideas for Couples
3. Co-parent
One of the most important things you can do for your parenting and marriage is co-parent. And no, this is not just something for divorced couples!
Make sure that you and your spouse are a team in parenting. Don’t make one spouse feel superior and the other inferior when parenting the kids (aka employee/ boss relationship). That will only harm your relationship with each other and your kids.
Instead, be intentional about how you will parent together. Yes, one parent might be at home with the kids more than the other, but you can still collaborate and make decisions as a team.
Here are a few ideas to help you co-parent with your spouse:
- Talk about how to handle recurring situations in parenting before they happen again.
- For example, Chase and I were unsure of what we wanted our toddler to do to when apologizing. We were arguing about it in front of our kids, so I decided to bring it up again after they were in bed. We discussed what should be required of our children when they are apologizing and we felt better prepared for the next time they made a mistake.
- When your spouse is alone with one of your kids, let them interact how they choose.
- Don’t interfere. If there is something your spouse does that concerns you, talk to them privately about it.
- Make it clear to your kids that you and your spouse are on the same team.
- If one parent says no, the other needs to back up that parent’s response. If you don’t agree, then talk privately about it and then present your kid with a unified answer.
- Be willing to tag-team if one parent is becoming overly emotional.
4. Have alone time
Can time alone really help you build a strong marriage with kids? 100% yes!
As a parent and a spouse, you give so much of yourself to building and nurturing your family. If you stop meeting your own needs and lose your sense of self, it can be disastrous for everyone.
So please schedule some regular time for you to be alone and do something you love. (And I don’t mean just taking a shower.) Make sure it is something that will fill you up spiritually and emotionally and help you feel renewed.
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5. Have fun together with the kids
Spending time as a whole family can be so nourishing for your relationship with your kids and your spouse. Having the chance to see your spouse interact positively with your kids can increase your appreciation and love for each other.
Worried about money or time? Family fun doesn’t have to be expensive or far away! It could be a picnic in your home, a family wrestling match, going to the park, or going out for ice cream together.
Anything that will bring you all together and get you interacting with each other counts!
6. Have resources to go to when you need help
All parents will need help in their marriage at some point, so choose some resources now that you can turn to when that time comes. Here are some ideas that could help you get your list started:
Marriage mentors
A marriage mentor is anyone you trust to go to with your marital problems. This will likely be a trusted family member, friend, or religious leader who has had experience with parenting and marriage. Talk with your spouse about who you would each feel comfortable having as a marriage mentor.
Follow these 3 tips to a satisfying marriage
Need a fast and easy solution? Put your email in here and I’ll send you 3 simple steps that will help you stop resenting your spouse and be happy you married them. I promise you won’t regret it!
Podcasts
There are some amazing podcasts that can make a world of difference in your marriage! Here are a few I recommend:
- The Empowered Wife Podcast: Marriage Help with Laura Doyle
- Conversations With Dr. Jennifer
- Rebuilding Us: Marriage Podcast
- Fierce Marriage
Books
Books are another great way to learn how to have a better marriage while parenting. Here are a couple I recommend:
Babyproofing Your Marriage by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill, and Julia Stone
To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma, by Molly Millwood
Therapy
Therapy is another great resource that can help you balance parenthood and marriage. Take note of good therapists you hear about and inexpensive options you come across in case you need them.
It can also be helpful to plan with your spouse at what point you would see a couple’s therapist. That way if your marriage does get to that point, you will both know as a couple that it is time to get that help.
Why Put Marriage Before Parenting?
It may seem like you are neglecting your kids when you put your marriage first. However, you are doing the opposite!
When you show your kids that you and your spouse are a team, they will feel more secure and safe. When they know that you love each other and aren’t worried about you two separating, they will feel more confident about their own life.
Putting marriage first will help parenting to be easier, your marriage to be happier, and your kids to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.
You Can Have a Happy Marriage While Parenting!
While it can be hard to balance parenting and marriage, it is possible! As you make room for the changes kids will make in your marriage, your marriage will grow stronger. As you are intentional in seeking out for help and guidance from God and others, building a stronger marriage with kids will be easier.
Always remember that your marriage comes before your kids. Be a team, include God in your life, and your marriage with kids will succeed.