Perpetual Problems in Marriage: What They are and How to Solve Them
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Have you found yourself arguing with your spouse about the same thing over and over and over again? Do your fights seem repetitive? Are you tired of trying to find a seemingly impossible solution to the problem that started years ago?
If this sounds familiar, then you have experience with perpetual problems in marriage.
Did you know that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems? That can seem like a scary high amount! But be reassured that this is normal, and there is a solution.
What are Perpetual Problems in Marriage?
According to John Gottman, perpetual problems are problems that involve fundamental differences in a couple’s personalities or lifestyle needs.
In other words, a perpetual problem in marriage occurs when what makes you tick and what makes your spouse tick don’t seem to work well together.
Unlike solvable problems, which are situational and usually easy to solve, a perpetual problem is a source of conflict that comes up over and over again.
What is an example of a perpetual problem?
Example #1:
I love Christmas. I love it so much that I start listening to Christmas music in October and want to get out the Christmas decorations right after Halloween.
My husband, on the other hand, doesn’t share the same enthusiasm for Christmas that I do. He likes Christmas, but he wants to save the Christmas music and decorations until after Thanksgiving.
This is a perpetual problem that my husband and I have. And our feelings on Christmas will probably not change anytime soon.
Example #2:
Jane loves physical affection, which is her top love language. However, physical affection doesn’t come naturally for Bob, Jane’s husband. He feels more comfortable keeping to himself and sharing his love for Jane by serving her.
Jane and Bob regularly argue about the amount of physical affection they share. Their consistent conflicting feelings make this a perpetual problem in their marriage.
Are perpetual problems solvable?
Yes and no.
While perpetual problems likely won’t ever go away, there is always a way to live with them happily. You just need to be willing to do a few things to get there.
What happens if perpetual problems aren’t solved?
When couples don’t work to resolve perpetual conflict in their relationship, that is when gridlock happens.
What is gridlock in relationships?
Gridlock in a relationship happens “when both partners are unable to understand their partner’s perspective, and instead, lock into their position while viewing their partner as more and more selfish” (source).
As you can imagine, gridlock causes significant emotional distance between partners and can kill intimacy.
How do you overcome gridlock in a relationship?
The answer is simple. Address the perpetual problems and find a solution or compromise.
Tips for Addressing Perpetual Problems
1. Have an open mind, and be flexible.
Referring back to mine and my husband’s perpetual problem of when we like to start the Christmas season: While I am not willing to wait until December 1st to turn on Christmas music, we have agreed that I can listen to it in October as long as my husband can’t hear it. Once it hits mid November, he doesn’t mind so much.
While this solution isn’t the ideal for either of us, we are both flexible enough to meet in the middle.
2. Maintain a sense of humor around the perpetual conflict.
Being able to laugh about the same conflicts that come up repeatedly will make a huge difference in your relationship. It will help you remember that these issues aren’t bigger than the love you have for each other.
Sometimes I like to tease Chase by playing Christmas music in October when he walks in the door from work. I let it play just long enough to see his goofy-annoyed reaction, and then I turn it off, laughing.
Instead of Christmas music being a source of contention in our marriage, we let it be a source of humor.
You might also like: How Humor Can Make Your Marriage Better
3. Avoid criticism or blame when addressing the problem.
If you blame your spouse for something they feel strongly about, it is only going to make the problem worse.
What do you think would happen if my husband criticized me for loving Christmas so much? I can tell you a few things that would likely happen:
- My feelings would be deeply hurt, because my excessive love for Christmas is a part of who I am.
- The perpetual problem of our differences in how much we love Christmas would be magnified and seem more impossible to overcome.
- I might get defensive, intensifying the conversation and creating a heated argument.
So if you want to work on a solution to a perpetual conflict, take my advice (and Gottman’s advice) and don’t criticize or blame. It will just make the problem worse.
If needed, vent all your negative feelings on a piece of paper before talking to your spouse. Then write down what it is you actually want your spouse to hear.
4. Have realistic expectations.
Let’s be realistic. You are ALWAYS going to have things you don’t agree on or see eye-to-eye on. Even though you share your lives with each other, you are still two different people.
Once you can accept this, addressing perpetual conflict will feel way less overwhelming.
Hanging on to unrealistic expectations is, I believe, one of the biggest sources of conflict in marriage. So do yourself are your spouse a favor by letting go of those unrealistic expectations.
You might also like: How to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
5. Understand your’s and your spouse’s dreams.
If you know what each other’s dreams are, you will better be able to understand why you have such conflicting opinions. The dreams someone has (or has lost) influences their position on related conflict.
So how do you discover each other’s dreams? It takes a lot of listening, honesty, asking questions, and willingness to be vulnerable with each other.
Here is a document created by Doctors John and Julie Gottman that will guide you through the process of discovering your dreams together in order to solve perpetual problems.
I love the snippet at the end about the bottom line of dreams:
“You don’t want to have the kind of relationship in which you win and are influential in the relationship but wind up crushing your partner’s dream. You want the kind of relationship in which each of you support one another’s dreams. If your dreams connect, so much the better.”
Dr. John Gottman & Dr. Julie Gottman
6. When you feel discouraged, focus on your shared goals.
After discovering each other’s dreams, it will be easier to recognize your shared goals, which often stem from your dreams. These shared goals are usually big and long-term, such as wanting to purchase a home in the future, be debt free, raise God-fearing children, maintain a happy marriage, or be involved in the community.
When you know the goals you both have, you will probably realize that you basically want the same thing but are trying to get there with different methods. And that’s okay! It’s good to have different opinions and viewpoints.
You might also like: 5 Couple Goals to Make Marriage Last
You Can Do This!
Don’t get me wrong, marriage is not easy. But it is possible!
Even when there are perpetual problems in your marriage that don’t currently have a solution, you can still have a good relationship with your spouse. Just keep moving forward, pray for help, and remember why you chose to marry your spouse in the first place.
With enough effort on your part and help from God, you guys can become soulmates.
You might also like: 6 Ways to Fall in Love Again With Your Partner
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I feel this article is spot on! My husband and I have perpetual problems throughout our 34 years of marriage. Sometimes these problems have given me a sense of no hope! And then there are many times when they do not seem to bother us as much. I can see we have done some of the things that can help. But you brought out great points that we can still work on. Thank you for this information and enlightenment!
I’m so glad it was helpful for you, Shalynn! It’s great to hear from someone with more marriage experience that it is indeed a normal part of marriage but also do-able!