6 Busy-Proof Ways to Reconnect With Your Spouse

Do you feel the need to reconnect with your spouse? Have work, chores, and kids gotten in the way of your relationship? Do you feel the spark that brought you together is dwindling?

This post is going to dive into 6 busy-proof ways that will help you reconnect with your spouse daily, even with a busy schedule. These are simple ideas, but they are things many couples neglect.

These 6 ideas come from studies done by Dr. John Gottman, and you can read more about them on his website or his book (one of my favorites), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

#1: Have Meaningful Good-Byes

When you and your spouse part ways, how do you say good-bye? Is it a quick peck on the cheek, a hug, or simply “Bye honey, I love you”? Or maybe you forget to say good-bye all together. 

Dr. John Gottman has found that most couples whose relationships continued to improve over time reconnected through meaningful partings. While you may feel tense about the idea of adding something else to your list of things to do, you may be glad to know that this only needs to take 2 minutes! 

You can invest 2 minutes of your time to rebuild your relationship with your spouse each day, right? 

Now, here’s what you got to do: learn about one thing that will be going on in your spouse’s day. That’s it! This will show your spouse that you care about their life and that you are thinking about them. Then when you guys reunite, you can follow up about how that one thing went. 

Here’s some other things you may want to add into the 2 minute parting:

• A Hug
• A Kiss
• Say “I love you”
• Thank your spouse for something they did or are going to do that day. 
• Tell them you are excited to be with them again later.

#2: Reconnect Through Intentional Reunions 

Being intentional about your reunion is another great way to reconnect with your spouse emotionally and physically. While you may often greet your spouse with a head full of unfinished to-do’s and stresses of the day, you need time to refocus on the importance of your relationship. 

Six Second Hug and Kiss

According to Dr. Gottman, the first thing you should do when you reunite is share a six second hug and kiss. The six seconds is important! It has been scientifically proven that six seconds can reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and give you a boost of oxytocin (the love hormone). Reduce of stress and increase of love will help you feel more deeply connected to your spouse. 

Does six seconds feel too long? Just keep practicing until it feels natural, and focus on baby steps if necessary. 

My personal experience

When I felt a lack of connection between with my husband, I suggested to him that we have a six second hug when we got home since he isn’t a big fan of long kisses.

Those hugs made a big difference for me! I didn’t feel the need to go seeking him out for affection as much because I knew I could count on that hug whenever we reunited. Since my husband is aware of this need I have, he has gone out of his way to give me long hugs other than when we reunite. Maybe our next baby step will be adding the kiss along with the hug. 😉 

Stress-Reducing Conversation

The second part of intentional reunions is to have a stress-relieving conversation that lasts 20 minutes. This is a beautiful opportunity for reconnect with your spouse emotionally and follow up with how the day went. It is also a chance for you to support each other if they had a rough day.

The main criteria for this daily exercise is that it is stress-relieving for both parties and helps you to reconnect. So if talking about your day relieves you and connects you to your spouse, then talk about your day. If that will only increase your stress, then focus on another topic. Maybe you need to laugh together or use this time to vent about personal frustrations. Just make sure to tell your spouse what topics will and will not help you to relieve stress and feel connected.

How to fit it in your busy schedule

Even though it may sound wonderful to spend a full 20 minutes just talking with your spouse after reuniting, it may not seem realistic for you. Kids need attention, dinner needs to be cooked, evening phone calls need to be made, etc. So how in the world can you fit 20 minutes in to reconnect with your spouse? Here are a few ideas that may help:

• Work and talk. After your six second hug and kiss, plan to accomplish a task together that takes minimal brain power so you can talk during the task. Ideas include washing dishes, folding laundry, or working on dinner together (if it isn’t too complicated). That way you can still have quality time talking together while getting stuff done.
• Turn on a show for the kids to watch. If you have little ones, this will be very helpful in allowing you to reconnect with your spouse after a long day. Go into another room while the kids are preoccupied with the TV, and enjoy your time together. This will provide you with the space you need while minimizing interruptions and distractions.
• Start with baby steps. Does 20 minutes seem too long? Try 5 minutes the first day, and gradually increase the time with increments that feel suitable to your needs. That way the task will feel more doable.
• Set a timer. Setting a timer can help you and your spouse know that these 20 minutes are for the two of you and nothing else. Remember to stay focused on your conversation and helping each other relieve stress. If you have kids, let them know they can come talk to you when the timer beeps. 
• Be flexible. If you have a super hectic day, your 20 minute conversation may not be in your living room immediately after you reunite. It could be in the car on the way to an appointment or right before going to bed when the house is quiet. If you are both at home all day together, plan a time to talk. Feel free to get creative!

#3: Express Appreciation and Admiration for Your Spouse

Dr. John Gottman has observed that couples whose marriages continue to improve spend about 5 minutes each day expressing admiration and appreciation for their spouse. 

This is not just your average, “Thank you” or “Love ya!” but sincere and genuine expressions.  The appreciation Gottman is wanting us to share will help your spouse know you recognize and love them for the specific things they do and the positive attributes they possess.

If their love language is words of affirmation, this will be the perfect way to reconnect with your spouse!

How to Express Admiration and Appreciation

You may be wondering how in the world you are supposed to come up with sincere and genuine compliments that last for 5 minutes. If this is the case, you will be glad to know that this time frame just refers to how much time this should take throughout your day. You can do it all at once if you really want, but that may take away some of the sincerity. 

If you struggle to come up with sincere and genuine statements of appreciation, then here’s a few examples that may trigger your imagination:

• “Thank you so much for making the bed this morning. I was running late to work and felt more at ease when I saw that you already took the time to do it.”
• “Thanks for the laughs today. Your sense of humor really makes my life more enjoyable.”
• “You are so thoughtful. I would have gone hungry today if you didn’t remind me to grab my lunch.”
• “Our kids are so blessed to have you as a parent. You do such a good job at being their friend and teacher.”
• “Your smile always brightens my day. I’m lucky to see it regularly.”
• “I’m so glad to be married to you. You make my life so much more exciting.”

#4: Be Affectionate 

Physical affection is something that is typically easier to share at the beginning of a relationship, so it may take more effort to continue throughout the years. However, this does not mean it is any less important for reconnection. 

Dr. John Gottman says couples should spend at least 5 minutes throughout each day expressing physical affection for one another. These 5 minutes help reassure you and your spouse of your care for one another and give you a chance to destress.

The Importance of Hugs, Cuddles, and Kisses

Gottman specifically talks about the importance of embracing each other or cuddling  before going to bed. When you have a busy life, this could be the best time of day to share that physical affection. It is also a wonderful way to remind your spouse that even if the day was stressful and crazy, you will always be there for them no matter what. 

Is it almost impossible to go to bed at the same time with your different schedules? Here are some other ideas of how you can connect with your spouse through affection:

• Give long hugs and kisses when saying good-bye and when reuniting. (Refer back to #1 and #2.) 
• When you are both together and have some downtime, use that time to cuddle on the couch before proceeding with your next task.
• Go on a walk and hold hands the entire time.
• Before you get up to start the day, spend five minutes cuddling in bed.
• Massage your spouse while watching TV.
• Give your spouse an unanticipated hug or kiss while they are doing chores or work.

#5: Go on Dates!

You used to date before getting married, but have you found that dating has slowed down or come to a stop? This is not an unusual occurrence in marriage, yet it is sad to think about. While dating was super important before marriage so that you knew who you were going to marry, I would argue it is more important to keep it going after marriage! Dr. Gottman recommends that couples go on weekly dates that last two hours.

The purpose of a date is to get to know someone and build friendship with them. While you may think you know your spouse, I guarantee there are many things you do not know about them! And as time goes on, you and your sweetheart are going to change. If you would rather change together than wake up one day realizing you no longer know person next to you, then having one-on-one time during dates is going to be crucial.

Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the key to getting to know your spouse more during dates. I recommend trying to keep stressful topics out of the conversation. (Stressful topics could include work, parenting techniques, finances, and recent conflicts.) In other words, have the focus of the conversation be connecting with your spouse by getting to know them more.  

Here are some open-ended questions that I hope will give you creative ideas on what to talk about with your spouse!

1. What are some of your most memorable childhood experiences?
2. Where would you like to go vacation together someday? Why?
3. If you were stranded on an island and could only bring three items with you, what would those items be?
4. What does the ideal day look like to you?
5. Where do you see us in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
6. What are your retirement dreams?
7. If you could only watch 2 movies for the rest of your life, what would they be and why?
8. What do you love most about our relationship?
9. Which attributes do you hope our children will gain over the years?
10. What do you hope people say about you at your funeral?
11. If you found out you were dying in three days, how would you spend those three days?
12. What is your greatest fear?
13. How is your life different from the way you pictured it would be when you were in high school? How is it similar?
14. What is your favorite attribute about yourself? Why?
15. What was the silliest mistake you made in high school?
16. If you could pick one food that you could eat without any negative side-effects, what would it be?
17. What is the most boring/exciting/crazy thing that has happened to you within the last week? 
18. Do you like hugs or kisses more? Why?
19. How would we maintain a long-distance relationship if we had to live apart for one year?
20. How have your parents impacted the way you live your life today?

#6: Have a State of the Union Meeting

Last but not least, Dr. John Gottman says that it is important to have a weekly meeting as a couple to maintain connection and evaluate your relationship (aka State of the Union Meeting). This meeting should last about one hour and should look something like this:

1. Discuss what is going well in your relationship. What do you guys do well together? What makes you a good team? 
2. Share five appreciations you have not shared with each other yet. (Five from you to your spouse, five from them to you.) If you have are unsure how to share a meaningful appreciation with your spouse, see suggestion #3 above for ideas.
3. Talk about issues or areas of conflict that have come up in your relationship. This is not a time to lash out on your spouse and create a fight, but a time to genuinely listen to each other and share issues that have been on your mind. Don’t try to fix the problem right away, but just take the time to understand one another and be sympathetic. If you need help effectively communicating your concerns to your spouse, check out this post for some advice. 
4. Move on to resolving the problem. Remember, it is important to focus on resolving the issue, not blaming your spouse. Your spouse is not the problem; the problem is the problem. If things get too heated, take a 20 minute time-out and come back together when you have both calmed down and are clear-minded. 
5. To end the meeting, ask each other, “What can I do to help you feel more loved this coming week?” Pay attention to what your spouse says and make sure to write it down or put it somewhere to help you remember. Following through with what your spouse suggests will show that you care about them and will deepen your connection with each other. 

My Personal Experience with State of the Union Meetings

When my husband Chase and I participate in our State of Union Meetings (we call them “Couple Councils”), they don’t look exactly like the list above, but they are still wonderful! We usually start with a prayer to bring the Spirit of the Lord into the room and help us feel more love towards each other. Chase and I also like to go over our personal and couple goals together and decide what we can work on during the week to work towards those goals. (We like to use a section called “Companionship Inventory” from a manual called Preach My Gospel as a guide.) One of my favorite parts is when we share what we appreciate about each other. 

It makes a big difference for us when we participate in these meetings; we are more in tune with each other’s needs, we are aware of each other’s goals, we strive to encourage each other, and we know we care about and appreciate each other. 

I love what M. Russell Ballard says about the blessings of family councils. I believe they apply to couple councils as well.

“. . . family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes.”

Elder M. Russell Ballard

Start Now to Reconnect With Your Spouse!

Don’t wait until a “more convenient time” to start these healthy habits; make a plan to start now! If you feel overwhelmed, then start with baby steps. Every effort you make is a step towards a happier and more fulfilling marriage.

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I also recommend Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. That is where I learned about these busy-proof ways to connect with your spouse, and it is chuck full of other awesome tips and exercises for improving your marriage. My husband and I tried some of them and they were very enlightening!