The First Stage of Love: What it is and Why it’s Necessary

What is the First Stage of Love?

Simply put, the first stage of love is the “falling in love” or “honeymoon” part of the relationship. The first stage of love lasts anywhere between a few weeks to a couple years.

When you experience the first stage of love, it often feels like how it is portrayed in books and movies. Magical, surreal, errotic, perfect, unspeakably joyful… It is also hard to notice the negative characteristics that your lover has and extremely easy to see the positive.

The first stage of love involves a physiological response to being attracted to someone who you generally begin a relationship with. The pleasant feelings from hormones make it easy to envision a happy future together, which is why it is also known at the visionary stage.

(Note: The stages of love that will be discussed are based on the article Season’s of Intimacy: Lifespan Developmental Perspective by Mark Butler. You can see the full reference at the end of the post.)

The First Stage of Love is Like the Garden of Eden

The first stage of love is very similar to the state Adam and Eve were in when they lived in the Garden of Eden. Everything seemed perfect; there were no weeds to pull, no food to hunt, and no conflicts to resolve. They loved and trusted God and each other, and that was enough. 

Despite this blissful state, Adam and Even chose not to remain in the Garden of Eden. I will discuss why later.

The Purpose of the First Stage of Love

So why do we go through this magical stage of love, only to witness it fade away? 

The first stage of love is a necessary part of a relationship. Here are some of the reasons why we need to experience the first stage of love:

• The wonderful feelings we have help us to take the risk to get into a long-term relationship. 
• We try to be our best selves when we begin to fall in love. This allows the person we love to see the potential we have and vice-versa.
• We are able to have an optimistic outlook about the future with the person we love.
• It allows for a happy and hopefully memorable start to the relationship.

The Dangers of Staying in the First Stage of Love

While we need to experience the first stage of love, we cannot live our whole relationship there. There comes a point where all the optimism and naivety will do little to get us through the challenges that every relationship is bound to face. 

The first stage of love is mainly a physiological response to being attracted and newly connected to someone. If your definition of love is based on a physiological response, then your relationship will not last long. Feeling hormones flowing through your body and a strong attraction to your partner is a fantastic experience, but it will not always come so easily and naturally. And it’s not meant to!

Here are some dangers of what people may experience when they don’t progress from the first stage of love:

• Fear of commitment because it means the excitement of being in love will end. (Note: While it does initially fade, it doesn’t have to end! Learn how to keep love alive by checking out this blog post or this book.)
• Being in denial of or ignoring red flags (this book will teach you how to avoid that)
• Starting and ending multiple relationships
• Being more likely to divorce or break up when normal relationship conflict arises
• Less likely to experience security in a relationship
• More likely to develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style in their relationships
• Feelings of hopelessness if they do choose commitment that they will never experience being “in love” again

We Can’t Stay in Eden Forever

Just like we can’t stay in the first stage of love forever, Adam and Eve could not stay in the Garden of Eden forever.

Even though Eden was a peaceful place, they were unable to experience a fullness of joy. They didn’t know what it was like to be miserable, exhausted, angry, sad, or fearful. Therefore, they could not fully experience the positive opposites.

Similarly, we cannot experience a fully developed and joyful relationship if we stay in the first stage of love in a relationship. 

Reality in Romantic Relationships Brings Real Happiness

Once Adam and Eve experienced the joys and sorrows of the real world together, they were able to experience real happiness. After leaving the Garden and learning how they could be redeemed, Adam said: 

“Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.”

Moses 5:10

Eve also was grateful for the joy they were able to experience and says:

“Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”

Moses 5:11

It is interesting to me that Adam and Eve talk as if they are grateful for their transgression of eating the forbidden fruit. Without it, they would not have known good and evil, and they would never have known about the necessity of Jesus Christ and learned to trust in Him.

Likewise, we must go through hardship in order to experience true happiness in romantic relationships. So while the first stage of love is necessary, there is a time that it must end so that our love for our partner can grow deeper and stronger.

To Sum it Up…

The magical “in love” feeling in the first stage of love is what gets us off to a good start toward committing to our romantic partner. However, this magical stage must have an end so that we can learn to grow together.

Relationships are not meant to last just through the good times, but the difficult times as well. 

In my next posts, I’ll be talking about the next 3 stages of love. They are very similar to seasons, as described in this marriage book. Subscribe to the blog to receive updates via email so that you don’t miss out!

Reference:

Butler, M. H. (2005). Seasons of intimacy: Lifespan developmental perspective. In T. B.
Duncan (Comp.), Gospel perspective for family theories: Discerning between truth and
error (pp. 133-144). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Academic Press.