The Second Stage of Love: How to Deal With Disagreements

Thinking about how to deal with disagreements is not something many couples do during the first stage of love (aka the “falling in love” or honeymoon stage). Despite how magical your relationship may seem, you eventually must learn how to deal with disagreements as you recognize that your flawless spouse does in fact have flaws and different opinions.

What is the Second Stage of Love?

The second stage of love is also known as the adversarial stage of love.¹ This is the stage where you start to notice all the weird things your spouse does that you didn’t see or that you ignored when you were in the first stage of love. 

The focus changes from “us and our immediate future” to “you and your negative impact on me”.² Along with this perspective, couples often try to change each other to meet their original and often unrealistic expectations. 

As you enter the adversarial stage, you may experience arguing, fighting, and disagreements. On the other hand, you may try to brush the differences away because you don’t want to worry about how to deal with conflict.¹

(Note: The stages of love that will be discussed here and in others posts are based on the articles Season’s of Intimacy: Lifespan Developmental Perspective and Marital Life Cycle – Stages of Interaction Process by Mark Butler. You can see the full references at the end of the post.) 

If We Love Each Other, Why are There Disagreements in Our Marriage?

Having your first few arguments may seem discouraging. But don’t worry! God made marriage to last forever, and so a few disagreements don’t have to break it.

But why do we have to disagree? Simply put, you are two different people. You were raised by different families, you have different likes and dislikes, and you have different perspectives about life. 

There is no way that you are going to agree all the time. And that’s okay! 

Some of the disagreements my husband and I have had were very valuable in opening my mind and teaching me important lessons. We have even had experiences dealing with disagreements where we felt more connected to each other. 

So while dealing with disagreements may seem like a negative thing, think of it as a normal and healthy part of your relationship. 

The Wrong Way to Deal with Disagreements

There are countless ways to deal with disagreements, and many of them can harm our relationships. Here are some strategies that I believe are the most destructive.

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for Marriage

John Gottman, who wrote one of my favorite marriage books, observed hundreds of married couples and discovered what does and does not work in marriage. He discovered and named four of the most dangerous tactics in marriage the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Here are the Four Horsemen and why they hurt marriages. You can learn more about how to recognize them by reading this book.

Criticism

I think criticism is the most common poison present in marriage relationships. Criticism occurs when one spouse attacks the character of the other, and is often coupled with “always” or “never” statements. Here are a few examples:

• “Why didn’t you pick up your mess? You are always so lazy!”
• “You never take care of the kids the way I do! You always push all the work onto me!”
• “Why can’t you think of someone but yourself for once?!”

As you can imagine, criticism does not usually produce positive results. It often pushes the victim to get defensive and fight back, which does not solve conflict.

Contempt

Individuals express contempt when they degrade another person and make them feel less than they are. For example, when one spouse runs a stop sign the other spouse might say: “Are you blind? That sign was staring you straight in the face!”

Contempt is very dangerous because it makes the spouses feel like they are not on the same level. It is also the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen, because it separates them from each other emotionally and spiritually which is just what Satan wants. 

Defensiveness

Defensiveness during conflict includes making excuses for your behavior, putting the blame on someone else, or making the issue not seem like a big deal. 

While being defensive in an argument may sound harmless, it can actually be very damaging. When we are defensive, it often sounds from the other person’s end like we are attacking them. So avoid removing yourself from the issue and try to take responsibility instead, even if you think you’re right.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling typically occurs when a person feels overwhelmed by the conflict and shuts down. They may refuse to talk at all or leave the room. 

This leaves their partner feeling confused, hurt, annoyed, and unloved. When they don’t know why their partner shut down or what they are thinking, they assume the worst.

If you do feel overwhelmed by conflict or notice your partner may feel overwhelmed, then suggest taking a time-out so you both can cool down before continuing the conversation. 

One Additional Danger

Ignoring the conflict

This is not one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen, but I believe it is still very destructive. 

When couples ignore conflict in their relationships, they may feel like they are doing what is best for their marriage. However, this can be more dangerous than getting into arguments. 

Dr. Butler says that disagreements are similar to a trickle of water.¹ If you keep ignoring them, a dam will form. Eventually, the dam won’t be strong enough to hold all of the disagreements and a flood of held-back resentment and anger will burst out at once. Doesn’t sound pretty, right? It is much better to handle disagreements a little at a time so that there is a steady flow of water rather than an unexpected flood.¹

The Right Way to Deal with Disagreements

Here are some of the most important steps you can take to deal with disagreements in a positive way.

1. Learn the antidotes to each of Gottman’s Four Horsemen

There is a way to combat the Four Horsemen mentioned above. Here is a summary of each antidote.

• Antidote to Criticism: Begin phrases with “I feel” instead of “you always” or “you never.” This is a much gentler way to communicate your feelings. You can go to this blog post to learn more about how to do this.
• Antidote to Contempt: Develop a lasting sense of gratitude and appreciation for your spouse. Remind yourself the good things they are doing. Here are 6 ideas that will help you increase your appreciation and love for your spouse.
• Antidote to Defensiveness: Take responsibility for your actions and offer an apology.
• Antidote to Stonewalling: Communicate to your spouse that you need a time-out and that you will come back to this issue later. Take a few minutes to calm down and empty your mind, and then return to the conversation.

To go more into detail about how to combat these destructive habits, check out these amazing books by John Gottman.

2. It’s a bad idea to solve conflict when…

There are moments where you should NEVER try to solve conflict unless you are in a completely clear and sane state of mind. Never try to solve conflict when you or your spouse:

• Are tired.
• Are hungry.
• Have cabin fever.
• Are sick.

My husband and I have tried solving conflict when at least one of us was tired, hungry, and had cabin fever. They all were unsuccessful until we got rest, food, or fresh air.

So you know that marriage advice to “not go to bed angry“? Toss that out the window unless you are a night owl or you can put your anger on hold until morning.

Try to see things from your spouse’s and God’s perspective

I believe this is the best way you can deal with disagreements and conflict.

I have had many disagreements with my husband where I could not understand his side of the argument. It made zero sense to me.

But when I asked God to help me see my husband as He sees him and see things from my husband’s perspective, it made a world of difference. I was able to remember that he was raised differently than me, that God loves him immensely, and that this argument is not going to affect us long-term.

So work on standing in your spouse’s shoes, which means considering their past, the way they think, the things they value in life, etc. And then think about how their side of the argument comes into play and where you could agree with them or compromise.

How Can Dealing with Disagreements Benefit our Marriage?

When couples handle conflict in healthy ways, the relationship tends to grow in²:

• Maturity
• Commitment
• Stability
• and Authenticity

As couples deal with conflict, they are able to interact with each other without pretending to be someone they are not. They feel free to be themselves and they allow their spouse to do the same. 

Who wouldn’t want these benefits for their marriage?!

While it is rarely an easy task to undertake, dealing with conflict in healthy ways can make your marriage stronger and more fulfilling. That is why it is necessary to go through the adversarial stage of love without giving up.

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References:

1. Butler, Mark H. (2005). Seasons of intimacy: Lifespan developmental perspective. In T. B. Duncan (Comp.), Gospel perspective for family theories: Discerning between truth and error (pp. 133-144). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Academic Press.
2. Butler, Mark H. (1991). Marital Life Cycle – Stages of Interaction Process. BYU, SFL 451, Developmental and Role Theories Notes.