How to Fix a Boring Marriage: The Third Stage of Love
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If you feel stuck in a boring marriage, then you are probably in the third stage of love. (Yes, feeling bored with your spouse is a stage of love.) You may feel hopeless of ever reviving your romantic relationship, but there is hope!
Most couples go through this boring stage, and it is just another step towards having the marriage of your dreams. However, it is up to you and your spouse to use this stage of love to your benefit.
(Note: The third stage love discussed here is based on the article, Season’s of Intimacy: Lifespan Developmental Perspective by Mark Butler. You can see the full reference at the end of the post.)
What is the Third Stage of Love in Marriage?
The third stage of love in marriage occurs when each person stops trying to change their spouse and accepts (however grudgingly) that they are not going to change. This is also known as the dormant stage because the marriage seems boring and dead, but has the unseen capacity to reawaken.
Even though conflict has decreased or completely stopped, peace is also absent. The conflict has simply become nonverbal or passive aggressive, which is actually more dangerous than openly arguing (as seen in the second stage of love). The fond memories that came from the first stage of love are harder to remember, making it even more difficult to keep romance alive.
Why is Our Marriage Boring?
You are probably experiencing a boring marriage because you have become roommates instead of lovers. In other words, you have stopped caring so much about each other and stopped spending quality time together.
Over time, couples in the third stage of love tend to feel like they are living parallel lives. Because they have decided they or their spouse can’t change, they resolve to allow each other to explore their personal hobbies and interests. The attitude “you can do what you want if I can do what I want” comes into play.
If this pattern continues, the marriage will remain boring, dull, and may eventually fall apart.
Is There Any Hope for Our Boring Relationship?
There is always hope for couples who want to have a better marriage and are willing to work at it. Like all the other stages of love, this one has a purpose.
This boring stage of your marriage can become a wake up call for you and your spouse that something needs to change. If you keep going in the same direction, you likely will not end up with a happy and fulfilling marriage.
So how do you make those first changes? Where do you even start? Here are a few tips.
How to improve your boring marriage:
Here are some ways you can revive your relationship from the boring stage of marriage:
1. Learn to forgive.
Learning to forgive your spouse may take a long time, but diligent effort and prayer to God can get you there! God knows your spouse much better than you do, so ask for help to see things from their point of view and forgive them for the annoying things they have done.
For more advice on how to forgive, check out this podcast!
2. Accept your spouse for who they are.
Praying to see your spouse as God sees them will help you to accept your spouse. This doesn’t mean you should accept negative behavior, but accept them for the feelings they have, the efforts they’ve made, their choice to marry you, and being human.
3. Acknowledge that you haven’t been perfect, either.
Acknowledge to yourself and to your spouse that you have made mistakes. You haven’t been the perfect spouse, and there were moments that you were wrong. Apologize to your spouse for these mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Be patient if it takes them time to forgive.
4. Prioritize your relationship again.
A relationship is like a muscle. If nothing is done with or to it, it will gradually grow weaker over time.
If you don’t know how to start growing your relationship again, check out these 6 busy-proof ways to connect with your spouse! To dive even deeper into improving your relationship, I recommend checking out one of these books.
Have you found that kids, work, or hobbies are taking priority over time with your spouse? Change that right now by letting one thing go. (Even if it is just temporary.)
When you get to the end of your life, you won’t regret money you didn’t make or cool hobbies you didn’t pick up. But will might regret not building your marriage. So focus on what matters most!
5. Consider changing your routine.
I noticed a pattern in my marriage where it tends to get boring when we have been in the same routine for a while. Whenever we make a big change such as moving, changing jobs, or having a baby, our relationship grows stronger.
I realize you can’t always get up and buy a new house or switch jobs, but there are other things you can try! Here are some ideas:
- Switch up your bedtime routine to include 15 minutes of alone time together
- Start exercising together
- Set new goals together and make a plan to achieve them.
- Change a few daily responsibilities (for example, have the wife mow the lawn and the husband make dinner)
- Learn a new skill together
- Plan a fun get-away with just the two of you
6. Let go of anything distracting you from your spouse.
While it may be easier to focus your attention on other appealing people or activities, draw yourself back to your spouse. Yes, it will take effort. And yes, it may mean cutting off friendships or setting boundaries. But remember that short-term pleasure can never be replaced by the long-term happiness and joy of a committed and strong marriage.
Keep Pushing Forward!
If you are going through the dormant and boring third stage of love, don’t give up hope. Focus on baby steps each day, and don’t expect your relationship to turn around right away. Your marriage is the foundation of your family, and you will be happier in the long-run if you choose your spouse over other people or material priorities.
Reference:
- Butler, Mark H. (2005). Seasons of intimacy: Lifespan developmental perspective. In T. B. Duncan (Comp.), Gospel perspective for family theories: Discerning between truth and error (pp. 133-144). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Academic Press.